About you and the things you do

You drag Blankie around.
You were born with music in you and love to play the piano, drums and guitar.
You put your finger in your ear.
You put your finger in your nose... and then your mouth.
You turn off the TV.
And I love that you come to us with a book in hand.
You say, 'Brrrrrrrrrrmmmmm' when pushing around something with wheels.
You're ticklish, especially your thighs.
You point and say, with pouty lips, "Mamamamamamama" at something you want.
I love to touch your hair and won't ever be able to cut those gorgeous curls off the back.
You're a good shopper.
You love pineapple and people watching (staring).
You put Blankie over your head and walk into walls.
You can melt into a tantrum at the word, No.
You sweetly say, "Awwwwwwwww" as you lean in for a kiss or sink into things like Teddy, Blankie, Bella or mommy and daddy.
You fall a million times a day.
You get clumsy when you're tired.
You're a good sleeper.
You're impossible to sleep in the same bed as.
You sometimes walk with your arms stretched behind you like you're ready for take off.
Now that I think of it, you don't walk. You run.
The pitter patter of your footsteps.
You play hard.
You kick your leg up trying to climb up on the couch. You're almost there, Shorty.
You can't keep your hands off the presents under the tree and think it's OK as long as you bring us the tissue paper.
You feed us your dinner or pretend to and then throw it into your own mouth at the last minute.
Everything is a hat.
You're a jokester.

You're always looking to see if we're looking - Whether it's because you're doing something cool or about to do something you're not supposed to - Like root through the kitchen garbage can.

You have the most AMAZING facial expressions.

You're not scared of the dark.

You're SO much fun. I am so attached to you.

23.12.12

I did it.

Today, I did it. Nothing. That's right. I spent the day with my gorgeous little man at home, while the snow caked our windows and the wind whistled through our chimney. It was glorious. Yes, I did that too. Used the word 'glorious'.

I Googled, "What to do with a one-year-old" before bed last night and first thing this morning I lined up chairs so he could crawl through their tunnel for a solid two minutes. I added some more chairs and threw a blanket over them in a pathetic attempt to build a fort. That was fun for 30 seconds. I poured flour on the kitchen floor and that kept him occupied for a minute before he grabbed the broom and started to sweep. I went downstairs and got the basket of mismatched socks and we played with that for an hour. Sorting them, balling them, Ryker putting them in and out of the basket and them hopping into it himself. What to do with a one-year-old? Let him be hands on in the things you do in an ordinary day.

The best part of today, we had an afternoon nap together on the couch. I'm not sure how it happened, but I soaked in it. Mama and baby naps have been something of the past since his newborn days. Hey, I could get used to this. Good thing, because I have almost two weeks left of it!

21.12.12

things i love

Our new personalized Santa Sacks!

Thanks to the craft - creative mama

 Alicia Greenwood

*Uniquely Yours Cards & More*

facebook.com/UniquelyYoursCardsMore

Love them!

First day of winter

$20

Today I found $20 on the ground while paying for my groceries. I picked it up and gave it to the cashier. She told me to keep it because they are not allowed. I said I would leave it with her in case someone comes back looking for it. She told me to take it. I told her I will leave my phone number so that if someone comes back then she can call me and I can bring it back. She said, just keep it. She said, "If you find money, it's yours." Hmmmm. I purchased two food bags for the local food bank with it. As I'm writing this, I remember the teddy bear the volunteers at the local food bank gave to Ryker this morning. Subconscious Karma? Cool. What would you have done with the $20?

20.12.12

Giddy like a child!

What a day, my poor little man. It started off great. He slept in and I got the house clean before we had a nice visit with my girlfriends and their two little beauties. That fun play came crashing to an end with Ryker's face bouncing off the ottoman and his slicing his mouth, later followed by a last-minute trip to the doctor resulting in two or three weeks of an inhaler ventilation thing. Not as serious as the contraption makes it look, but man, you can really hear the struggle in him to breathe smoothly. I'm so sick of seeing him sick. Even though he's so passive, that his attitude rarely changes with the level of sick, it's still sad.
We're keeping him out of daycare tomorrow because I will not be responsible for his fellow wee buddies being sick over the holidays. I'm dragging him to a couple of short work things and then it's us, all week, vegging out. Really! I'm making myself learn to do nothing, but to just be.
One story away from meeting deadline and enjoying a full week with my little bundle and family! Giddy like a child for Christmas and all of its new traditions!

What could it be?

Our little elf.

The most precious gift.

Jingle Bells!
First X-mas concert!

Little man talking to Grampa on Skype.

19.12.12

Moving forward

We remember the day and continue to feel weight of the loss in our hearts.

I'd like to share words from a friend that encourage way we can move forward from this tragedy:
"Live, love, educate and support the people who are making changes to make things better - 
teach Ryker to do for himself but also do for others - you will."

Thank you.
18.12.12

It's not fair

I've opened a fresh new page a few times over the last couple of days, but it's strange to go on writing about my life with the tragedy that continues to hang on our hearts. I've put down words about how grateful we can be and deleted it because that doesn't seem fair. I have read many media posts about how we need to hold the ones we love in a time like this, but it doesn't seem fair. I think it, do it and am grateful for it, but for some reason it doesn't seem fair to say it out loud. It feels like I'm taking a shot at the parents who lost their little ones. I think about the gifts hidden away in those houses that were waiting to be placed under the tree on Christmas Eve for their little one to wake to on Christmas morning. I think about returning the gifts I have hidden away, out of guilt for being able to enjoy our one true gift. See, another shot.  

It's not fair.

17.12.12

Friday, December 14, 2012

Topping the million things we worry about when it comes to our children,
comes one that's rendered unimaginable.

A gunman opened fire Friday in a Connecticut elementary school,

killing 26 people -- 20 of them children.

From us to you:
There's a connection from one parent to another. And I hope, you feel pieces broken from our hearts, through our tears sent out to you in memory of them.

Charlotte Bacon, 6

Daniel Barden, 7

Olivia Engel, 6

Josephine Gay, 7

Ana Marquez-Greene, 6

Dylan Hockley, 6

Madeleine Hsu, 6

Catherine Hubbard, 6

Chase Kowalski, 7

Jesse Lewis, 6

James Mattioli, 6

Grace McDonnell, 7

Emilie Parker, 6

Jack Pinto, 6

Noah Pozner, 6

Caroline Previdi, 6

Jessica Rekos, 6

Avielle Richman, 6

Benjamin Wheeler, 6

Allison Wyatt, 6

Rachel Davino, 29

Dawn Hochsprung, 47

Anne Marie Murphy, 52

Lauren Rousseau, 30

Mary Sherlach, 56

Victoria Soto, 27

Love hard. Now. Because we can.

Oh Tannenbaum

What was once perceived as no interest in the tree, proves to be a discretely planned attack. We've lost two ornaments - One with a jingle bell is my own fault because once he got his hands on it I let him carry it around the house because he jingled and bounced to Jingle Bells with it. Needless to say, we are now the family with no ornaments on the bottom half of the tree.

I took pictures for work this morning at one of the local school's Christmas concerts. It was so sweet. The kids were singing along with the guitar and keyboard in the Catholic church, igniting and warming me with Christmas spirit. Who am I? I wanted to carry that feeling with me the rest of the day and was totally let down by our local radio stations when I got back out to the truck and couldn't find even one of them playing a Christmas song. Spirit shattered.

It did; however, motivate my plan to bling up the (top half) of the tree with more ornaments and lights tonight and now I'm even more excited for Ryker's first Christmas concert tomorrow!

13.12.12

Ornaments

I recognized a holiday tradition I've been following that I didn't even realize until last night while decorating the tree. Like my mom I don't decorate our tree with bulbs in the colour of the latest Christmas trends or as you would see in a Style at Home magazine. Like my mom did when we were growing up and still does, I load it up with mismatched ornaments that have a story and we reminisce about where they came from as they get hung on the tree. The more the merrier! 

A lot of our ornaments have come as stocking stuffers from my mom-in-law, like the Montreal Canadiens ornaments she gave Bryon one year that have grown on me. We have ornaments made from the cut of the bottom of mom and Jay's Christmas trees over the years that Jay made into ornaments and Bry's new one this year: the Elf rocker. 

Last night we decked out the tree while Ryker was asleep so it would be a beautiful, shining surprise for him in the morning. It didn't even phase him other than eventually pulling on a couple of ornaments. I suppose the less fascination he has with the tree this year, the better.

9.12.12

'Tis another new tradition - Part 2 Pics

Lumberjack at work

Roasting hot dogs at the tree farm

Sleeping beauty, not feeling so hot today.

8.12.12

'Tis another new tradition

Great weekend so far and can't believe it's just Saturday.

My first Family Friday was great, I think, because I kept checking in with my priority of the day I dedicated to my family.

Today, we went to the Christmas Tree Farm. The kick-off to a new family tradition. I can't believe we've never done it before. It was so great. All of the trees looked great, even the short and fat ones that my mom loves and the Charlie Brown Christmas trees. The smell of Christmas and campfires filled the fresh air. Perfect. I felt like a kid in a candy store. Which I must say, is totally out of character for me... To be so jolly over the holidays. This year I have a real sense of peace and spirit and excitement that I can't remember feeling for a very long time. I'm even listening to Christmas songs on the radio for God's sake. Gross!

Tree trolley ride. On a mission for that perfect tree.

Not the greatest atmosphere for the indecisive.

We found it!

Adopt a Family

When you're so fortunate you can't think of anything to put on your Christmas wish list, what better gift than to give to those less fortunate than us. Through the Inn of the Good Shepherd's Adopt a Family program we are able to provide a happier holiday for a mother and her three children and it feels good to get grounded and reminded about what this time of year means for us.

This year, on my husband's side of the family, we decided to give rather than to receive. We were able to choose the size of the family we are financially capable of helping and were then matched up and sent a detailed list that included the age and sex of the children, their Christmas wish list and clothing sizes.

Last night we went shopping for the family and it was so much fun picking out great toys and warm clothes and wrapping paper and bows. It's given me a real sense of excitement to know that we're helping to make the holidays a little brighter for a few others.
5.12.12

Hat • Hi Dada

It's time to stop telling Ryker that everything is a hat just to see him balance something on his head. 

Oh, but it's so cute!

Hi, Dada

Tomorrow is another day

Which makes today a new day.

At the suggestion of having Ryker go to daycare an additional day, my husband said, "Or, you could just work less." And, let's be honest. I make the things in my life feel WAY more demanding than what they really are. For someone with anxiety, the final result of all of the things you need to do is much less than what time and space thinking about doing those things make up in your week.

Today, my new day, I feel refreshed. I woke before everyone else and just laid in bed listening to Ryker awake across the hall and then brought him to bed for a morning play and to wake daddy. I got him ready for "school" and sent them both out the door - running back out to kiss my husband goodbye because lately there's no room for him in my so busy world.

I remembered to take my vitamins and actually had a healthy smoothie for breakfast rather than remembering in the afternoon that I hadn't eaten anything yet. I met deadline two hours early, let something mildly disappointing roll off of my shoulders, walked dogs, grabbed a few groceries, threw in a load of laundry, cleaned the bedroom, showered and shaved, and am prepared for tonight's meeting I am covering for work.

So on this dreary, but eerily mild December afternoon, I am not going to come up with something to feel sorry about myself for, but I am heading out to surprise Ryker two hours early at "school" and go to the park.

3.12.12

Family Fridays

This is why I must have been feeling so drained and out of sorts all week. The flu - I think. My whole body just out of whack and my head so fogged. I was sick and in bed from 3 in the afternoon yesterday until this morning. So thankful the little man was at Oma and Totah's for the weekend, as we were supposed to be going our annual friends Xmas party. 

Sick to my stomach, but just feeling totally run down. My priorities that were so in check have become a jumbled hot mess. I've lost balance. I'm overwhelmed and feeling like I'm doing anything to the best of my ability. 

I'm going to see if I can get Ryker into daycare an additional day during the week so I can get more work done and so that on Fridays when he is home and on weekends, I am there.

I'm working when I should be spending time with my number one priority - My family. When Ryker is home, I'm trying to work around him - Failing at getting my work done and succeeding in making him feel like he's not my number one priority. It's an overwhelming lose-lose, and although putting him into daycare for another day strikes a chord of guilt, my goal is to be able to be 100% present for him and my husband when we're together and 100% into my work when we're not.

So, I'm dedicating Fridays to family.

2.12.12