It was a rare late night with the wee one. Something was bothering the poor little guy when he woke up after being asleep for a couple of hours already. He has a cough and is stuffed up and maybe teething? Isn't that what everyone says? He's probably teething.
He would fall asleep and then jolt awake, like I do when I'm dreaming I'm about to walk off of a step or cliff. The good thing about it was that when he finally fell into a restless sleep he was in bed with me all night! Not such a sweet deal for daddy who was pushed to the couch, but this also is a rarity.
I know most mamas struggle to get their wee one out of their bed, but him in our bed is yet another last night rarity and I bathed in his sweet cuddles.
Needless to say I'm exhausted on this cold, dark day. Our town's weather winding down after it was greeted by the effects of Hurricane Sandy in the night. I was out this morning snagging the front page windstorm money shot for this week's edition of the newspaper and now... I'm on the living room floor, sunk into the plush rug, covered in a quilt, still in my PJ's using the couch as my desk. And, yes, I should be working.
I went to visit a new baby yesterday afternoon to congratulate the new parents and have a cuddle, but also hoping that I would get an earful of newborn horror stories that would drive away my desire to have a second child already. It didn't work. The tiny sweet girl in my arms only added to the fire.
A handful of playdate mamas with a one-year-old are already pregnant with their second or third baby and today I'm feeling especially jealous. Maybe it's the time of year, remembering our days one year ago, cozy and all together tucked inside our quiet and warm home in awe of our gorgeous little creation.
*Sigh*
30.10.12
Beyond mama having a bad day
We were walking around the mall yesterday and came across a mother, likely in her early thirties having a one-sided adult argument with her son, who looked about 10 or 11 years old. My heart just sank and a day later, I can't shake it.
She was yelling at him, in the centre of a wide-open space, her eyes burning into him, going on about the car being in the shop and that there's nothing she can do until it's fixed. Her younger daughter stood on the sidelines and watched.
Her son just stood there taking it with not even a bratty snarl on his face. He looked numb, while his mother proceeded to tell him that he was a jerk and then grabbed her younger daughter's hand and they marched off leaving him trailing behind.
At that moment, I was so angry. And now, I am so sad. I'll never understand how some parents can't see their child as a child who depends solely on them in every aspect of their life. It is a child's right to act childish and think childishly, and be age-appropriately spoken to.
This goes beyond "mama having a bad day", and I wonder now if I should've defended him. Is it my obligation as a human being to step in and say something for those who aren't capable, such as a child. In that moment I wanted to irrationally call her a bitch and tell her to watch her mouth, but now I wish I had walked over and asked her, kindly, to please not speak to him like that and perhaps ask if there was something I could do to help make her day go more smoothly.
Only minutes later in a store, she walked passed me and my wee one, still hanging onto her daughter's hand and her son still trailing behind and she gave that, "Aw, your wee one is so cute" smile. I naturally smiled back, and held gaze and smiled at her son. I was eye level with him because I was knelt to the floor with the wee one and I noticed now that his lower eyes lids were bright red, but he didn't seem angry. After being so belittled by his world, he still had it in him to softly smile at me.
I wonder if he saw me watching earlier or if he just saw nothing but his mom looking down on him. I wonder if he felt totally alone in that moment and if he even knew that he shouldn't have to feel that way. Or maybe he knows his mom is just having a bad day and when the car is ready she's going to take them for ice cream and apologize for treating him that way and they spend the rest of the day in their Halloween costumes carving pumpkins and drinking apple cider and she reads him an extra story before bed that night and lays with him until he's asleep.
This isn't particularly directed at the mean mall mom, but I see first-hand people who bring children into this world and the love and respect they need to give doesn't come naturally. They must be oblivious to what this does to their child's growing heart and developing esteem.
Last week when wee one's Grampa and GG were visiting, I said to Ryker something my mom has always said to me, "What's it like to be loved so much?" And my dad asked me, "Don't you know?"
Thank you mom and dad for knowing how to love and respect me.
28.10.12
This time, last year
I always do this thing, where I think back to where I was one year ago today. Like in June, I would have thought, "At this time, last year, I was five months pregnant."
This time last year, I was no doubt staring at our two-week-old son asleep in the bassinet beside our bed.
And this time next year, I wonder what I'll be doing then, and the year after that I wonder what I will look back on and recall what I was doing this time, last year.
Huh. Crazy. Life.
26.10.12
This time last year, I was no doubt staring at our two-week-old son asleep in the bassinet beside our bed.
And this time next year, I wonder what I'll be doing then, and the year after that I wonder what I will look back on and recall what I was doing this time, last year.
Huh. Crazy. Life.
26.10.12
Happiness
I just came across this in an old journal while waiting for laundry before I go to bed.
I'm not sure where I picked it up, but I want to share it.
I'm not sure where I picked it up, but I want to share it.
People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works.
Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.
You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it.
You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment.
It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress, but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight its good attainments.
All the sorrow and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people.
things I LOVE
2nd-home treasure buys
Giraffe-print book rack
for wee one's room $1.99
< Cozy wool sweater
$4
Green
& white
striped
shirt
$2 >
Fun flower-print boots $6
Afraid to go
Bryon told me on a drive home in the dark a couple of weeks ago (I love being the passenger in a vehicle, driving in the dark, and, unrelated to this topic, I also love passing by people singing to themselves in their cars-It always makes me happy) that he is afraid to die. Something has to really be bothering him for him to vocalize it.
I told him not to be afraid to die, but to be sad for us because we would be left behind missing him. That I have no fear of dieing, but am most afraid of enduring the agony of losing the people that I love the most.
Wee one is the biggest part of his life and his biggest fear, I know, is that he might miss out on his future. How do you comfort someone troubled by the inevitable - dieing, I mean, not today. I shared with him my mom's belief that's instilled in my own: When you die, you go to a better place and look down on this life and laugh at how seriously you took it.
Then I told him that if he does die first, I don't want him to linger because I want his soul to cross over and to be at peace. And also, to lighten the mood, that I would likely start sleeping around right away and I don't want him to hanging around for that.
As I write this, I realize I should've taken him more seriously and embraced the conversation, utilizing the moment to learn what he wants for our son and reassuring him he would forever be embedded in our hearts.
I've thought more than once who I would want to raise our child, if both myself and Bryon were gone and know that if that happens, our child will never feel the amount of love he was intended. But I hope he would learn kindness through being surrounded by it.
24.10.12
I told him not to be afraid to die, but to be sad for us because we would be left behind missing him. That I have no fear of dieing, but am most afraid of enduring the agony of losing the people that I love the most.
Wee one is the biggest part of his life and his biggest fear, I know, is that he might miss out on his future. How do you comfort someone troubled by the inevitable - dieing, I mean, not today. I shared with him my mom's belief that's instilled in my own: When you die, you go to a better place and look down on this life and laugh at how seriously you took it.
Then I told him that if he does die first, I don't want him to linger because I want his soul to cross over and to be at peace. And also, to lighten the mood, that I would likely start sleeping around right away and I don't want him to hanging around for that.
As I write this, I realize I should've taken him more seriously and embraced the conversation, utilizing the moment to learn what he wants for our son and reassuring him he would forever be embedded in our hearts.
I've thought more than once who I would want to raise our child, if both myself and Bryon were gone and know that if that happens, our child will never feel the amount of love he was intended. But I hope he would learn kindness through being surrounded by it.
24.10.12
Fall leaves
We both agree:
Our house looks its best in the fall and we loved wee one when he was so wee, but we love, love, love the stage he is in right now. Helping with yard work, eating leaves and dirt, practicing riding his little bike and climbing and falling off the front steps.
Gorgeous day. Fall yard clean up.
24.10.12
Our house looks its best in the fall and we loved wee one when he was so wee, but we love, love, love the stage he is in right now. Helping with yard work, eating leaves and dirt, practicing riding his little bike and climbing and falling off the front steps.
Gorgeous day. Fall yard clean up.
24.10.12
Reflection & an A-HA moment
I became a Blogger in July while on maternity leave from my position as Editor and Reporter for The Standard, weekly community newspaper.
Prior to my return on a freelance basis in September, I jumped on the Blog train as a lead to ease my way back into a world that was once so familiar and that consumed all of my energy, drive and priority.
The dreaded blank page hung like a dark cloud over my head, looming around me for months. I filled it with words reflecting my fear of that exact writer's "white page" and struggled with having lost myself, not sure who I would be returning to work as, but knowing that my not returning would be a serious cop out.
Write what you know. Once I started filling the page, post after post flowed through me and went viral as I unleashed the new me and released a new confidence that shoved me back out into the field. And that, oh so familiar, rush of gratification when I met my first deadline.
Exactly one week back, the day we put the paper to bed, it all came crashing down hard. My anxieties clogged my ability to cope with the vulnerability I felt while my son experienced a frightening choking incident, I went back to work, he began daycare and I was feeling the rash of harassment by co-workers that I had hoped seized over the year I was off. All of this in one week pumbled me and a new struggle ensued. Panic attacks ignited, and with them, a new fear - Extreme hopelessness.
It wasn't soon after, having never skipped a beat in the eyes of my life's distant bystanders, that a glimpse of hope pulled me from rock bottom and I was back to taking on, defeating and some days continuing to lose to, the challenges of becoming a Working Mother.
•••
A-Ha. Tonight, the desire to explore other writing opportunities has kept me up way past my bedtime. I have been online for hours, researching magazines and their editorial contacts and submitting my works. This late-night affair with the pursuit of my ultimate goal to become the publisher and editor of my own magazine has me quietly creeping to the kitchen to boil the kettle for another cup of tea.
Holy shit. In this exact moment, right now, all of the things in my life leading up to what I've just realized I want to do with it flash before me.
Life does unfold as it should. Thanks Max.
23.10.12
30 things about me
1• I'm in a good place in my life, enjoying now and looking forward to the future.
2• I want a killer hairstyle.
3• I thought our baby was a girl and couldn't understand what they were pointing at during
the ultrasound.
4• I want to adopt, but never will.
5• I have no patience for small talk.
6• I want to live a minimalistic lifestyle, but can't stop wanting.
7• I am a people watcher.
8• I only like movies that depict some sort of possible reality.
9• I would love not to have a TV in my home.
10• One day I will write a book, make a quilt, write a song and sing it.
11• I have a great group of friends and I wish we all neighbours living on one cul-de-sac.
12• I've traveled, but it feels like another lifetime ago.
13• I'm grateful to feel settled.
14• I used to be who I thought people wanted me to be.
15• I say I believe in God because I'm scared to think otherwise, because if there is a God
she will know that I'm thinking I don't believe. I do; however, believe in and have felt a
higher power and I believe that life unfolds as it should.
higher power and I believe that life unfolds as it should.
16• I love the idea of being crafty, but I've come to terms with having no desire to be.
17• I love being a blogger because, as a reporter who reports just the facts, I can write
whatever the hell I want. It unleashes me.
18• My son taught me unconditional love. That is such a cliché, I know. But prior to holding
him for the first time, people had to earn it. Which is a sad and egotistical way to live.
him for the first time, people had to earn it. Which is a sad and egotistical way to live.
19• I can be unbearably irritable when I'm tired. I'm always tired.
20• I'm a light sleeper. So is our son.
21• I strive to be kind because I believe it is the key to peace and happiness.
22• Meat grosses me out, but I love hot dogs.
23• I wish I knew then, what I know now.
24• I'm an old soul.
25• I never wanted to get married, but would've been missing out if I hadn't.
26• No one is prouder of me than my dad .My mom is my bestfriend. My husband is my rock.
27• I admire my brother's drive for life.
28• I have a minor case of OCD and am always rearranging things in my house.
29• I LOVE shopping second hand.
30• Today, I'm 30 and I'm feeling more than good about it.
22.10.12
22.10.12
Little Buddies 1st Birthday Bash
When these nine babies were introduced at just a couple of months old, we would have weekly playdates that us mamas, with our little ones swaddled and sleeping, benefited from most. As new moms, we gave each other advice, suggestions, support and an afternoon out of the house.
As the babies grew and reached milestones together, it was incredible to watch their developing interaction - Borrowing soothers from one another without asking, poking eyeballs and pulling eyelids and eventually sitting up to play face to face, steal toys, drool on each other and have conversations.
All only weeks apart in age, today we came together to celebrate their 1st birthdays. The little ones hit, hugged, crawled, sat on each other, walked, ran, squealed, screamed, laughed, cried, painted, bathed, ate each other's food off of the floor, shared sippy cups and wrapped up the afternoon covered in chocolate icing. Check it out.
As the babies grew and reached milestones together, it was incredible to watch their developing interaction - Borrowing soothers from one another without asking, poking eyeballs and pulling eyelids and eventually sitting up to play face to face, steal toys, drool on each other and have conversations.
All only weeks apart in age, today we came together to celebrate their 1st birthdays. The little ones hit, hugged, crawled, sat on each other, walked, ran, squealed, screamed, laughed, cried, painted, bathed, ate each other's food off of the floor, shared sippy cups and wrapped up the afternoon covered in chocolate icing. Check it out.
Then
Now
Happy 1st Birthday Bash!
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Hosted by the incredibly craft creative Mama,
Alicia Greenwood
*Uniquely Yours Cards & More*
facebook.com/UniquelyYoursCardsMore
Exceeding the balloons and streamers was a handmade birthday banner,
photo reflections of the past year together on the panes of a beautiful window,
homemade cupcakes with initial toppers, personalized chocolate wrappers,
stitched initial colouring travel kit party favours and a gorgeous keepsake card with
a newborn photo, name and date of birth on the front and inside,
a pregnancy photo and a recent photo.
Amazing.
I envy your craft talent, Alicia.
Thanks so much for making the day so special for our wee ones.
Stay inspired.
21.10.12
Shi-due Slumber: 30 years up in smoke
the invite:
Life is hectic, and so friendships take a backseat.
They take a backseat because when we have friendships as strong as ours we know that in 10 years they will still be there. But isn't that strength the more reason to connect more often? Isn't it ignorant of us to take our unique friendships for granted?
I'm finally realizing what is important in life and so learning to prioritize: Weeding out the insignificant.
You are a significant part of my life, and I want you in it more. I want us all to make an effort.
I have an idea and it's really important to me so I hope that you will all jump on board. We need to establish activities/events that reconnect us once a month. Maybe we could commit to the last Sunday of each month, or the third Sunday, or the first Friday... you get it. And host things like Sunday brunch with our families, meet at Rock Glen or Pinery for a walk, playdates, couples dinner parties, ladies night out, etc. No excuses!
Let's start Saturday, October 20 for my 30th birthday.
Girls-Night-In Slumber Party
Wear your favourite PJ's, bring a blanket and pillow and your favourite or the most cheesy movie in your collection and drink of choice. We'll have fondue dinner and munchies and maybe a planned activity or two.
You in?
|
xo
21.10.12
Estrogen ego
What is it in a relationship that makes each person think they do more and work harder than the other? Is this a constant battle every couple dukes it out over once in awhile? Can't we just accept equality or accept equality? On any given day, in my situation, one can do more than the other, but in a whole it rounds out.
Hey, I'm not blaming. I'm just as guilty. Why can't he take the garbage out after he's worked all day? Drop sarcasm here: Can't he see I'm tired from going to the petting zoo with the little one this afternoon?
Hey, I'm not blaming. I'm just as guilty. Why can't he take the garbage out after he's worked all day? Drop sarcasm here: Can't he see I'm tired from going to the petting zoo with the little one this afternoon?
He must be too exhausted from work today to give the little one dinner and a bath. Drop sarcasm here: I've been with him all day, sometimes dragging him around to work with me and am now going out to work tonight.
Keeping the tally on the mental chore chart is just as exhausting as taking on the workload alone in a day.
He cut the grass. I made dinner = One gold star each.
I got up with little one in the night. He got up in the morning = One gold star each.
He went to work and came home from a hard day to 'veg' out. I worked, picked up the little one, made dinner, fed and bathed and put little one to bed and then cleaned up = Five gold stars, me. Zero, him.
Or Vice Versa. You get the idea.
The argument brews when we seem overwhelmed and feel we are taking on more than we can handle at one particular time, and acting like a jerk is another way of reaching out to say, I'm tired. Can't you throw me a bone?
My husband and I are equally guilty of dethroning one another, as we are equally in this together and as we put in an equal amount of sweat and love in raising our child, working full time and attempting to keep up with household chores. So why the competing? No, really. Why? Is the answer in that age-old book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that was on our mother's bedside tables growing up?
It seems an endless struggle, trying to find our places and the unsaid tension some days when life gets busy - Fighting over what's fair and calculating if we're even in the things we do as husband and wife and father and mother.
As wives, we rag on our husbands and I've come to realize, we are our own worst enemy. What is it about a woman's personality that makes us feel it is our responsibility to take on the world? What gives us the need to be in control and the need to do everything, because it's just easier if we do it ourselves. What makes our way, the right way? And when do we learn to let go? When do the 'estrogen ego' levels drop?
I got up with little one in the night. He got up in the morning = One gold star each.
He went to work and came home from a hard day to 'veg' out. I worked, picked up the little one, made dinner, fed and bathed and put little one to bed and then cleaned up = Five gold stars, me. Zero, him.
Or Vice Versa. You get the idea.
The argument brews when we seem overwhelmed and feel we are taking on more than we can handle at one particular time, and acting like a jerk is another way of reaching out to say, I'm tired. Can't you throw me a bone?
My husband and I are equally guilty of dethroning one another, as we are equally in this together and as we put in an equal amount of sweat and love in raising our child, working full time and attempting to keep up with household chores. So why the competing? No, really. Why? Is the answer in that age-old book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that was on our mother's bedside tables growing up?
It seems an endless struggle, trying to find our places and the unsaid tension some days when life gets busy - Fighting over what's fair and calculating if we're even in the things we do as husband and wife and father and mother.
As wives, we rag on our husbands and I've come to realize, we are our own worst enemy. What is it about a woman's personality that makes us feel it is our responsibility to take on the world? What gives us the need to be in control and the need to do everything, because it's just easier if we do it ourselves. What makes our way, the right way? And when do we learn to let go? When do the 'estrogen ego' levels drop?
18.10.12
Little miracles
Today someone said to me, "Did you hear 'so-and-so' had their baby?" I said, "I thought so", excited for the new young parents and to get some details. And then she leaned in and said, "I hear it has Down syndrome."
My heart ached. Not only because of the initial shock and sadness they have experienced, but because my fear would be that if my child was born with Down syndrome, that the news of the precious soul coming into this world would be nothing but that exact scenario. Joy replaced with pity. My baby, a chromosomal condition.
I asked if they had a boy or a girl.
Years ago, the town gossip barged into the office I worked in and said, "So-and-so had the baby. It has Down syndrome", like it was some dirty secret she couldn't wait to spread and then feed off the reaction. I'll never forget that. People just don't think.
I've always said that if I had a child with Down syndrome that it would be the least of the worst I could wish for. When I was pregnant I thought maybe I've said that for years because it's fate's way of telling me it's in my cards, or maybe because it eased the worry of my baby being born with Down syndrome, like I was prepared for it. When we're pregnant, the 'what-ifs' are a constant drip.
I'm not going to pretend I know what it would be like, but I imagine it's nothing you can prepare yourself for, regardless of your mindset and outlook on life. I do know that they will come to terms with this unpredictable twist, have the strength to overcome the hurdles the future has in store and shower that beautiful being with unconditional love, as all great parents do, and that will be enough.
I've been longing to be pregnant as the 'baby' in my boy slips away. Wanting a newborn and thinking of how I would just hold that tiny nugget all day and all night. But, then I stop being ungrateful and enjoy the one little miracle we hold in our arms now - when he's still long enough to do so.
15.10.12
My heart ached. Not only because of the initial shock and sadness they have experienced, but because my fear would be that if my child was born with Down syndrome, that the news of the precious soul coming into this world would be nothing but that exact scenario. Joy replaced with pity. My baby, a chromosomal condition.
I asked if they had a boy or a girl.
Years ago, the town gossip barged into the office I worked in and said, "So-and-so had the baby. It has Down syndrome", like it was some dirty secret she couldn't wait to spread and then feed off the reaction. I'll never forget that. People just don't think.
I've always said that if I had a child with Down syndrome that it would be the least of the worst I could wish for. When I was pregnant I thought maybe I've said that for years because it's fate's way of telling me it's in my cards, or maybe because it eased the worry of my baby being born with Down syndrome, like I was prepared for it. When we're pregnant, the 'what-ifs' are a constant drip.
I'm not going to pretend I know what it would be like, but I imagine it's nothing you can prepare yourself for, regardless of your mindset and outlook on life. I do know that they will come to terms with this unpredictable twist, have the strength to overcome the hurdles the future has in store and shower that beautiful being with unconditional love, as all great parents do, and that will be enough.
I've been longing to be pregnant as the 'baby' in my boy slips away. Wanting a newborn and thinking of how I would just hold that tiny nugget all day and all night. But, then I stop being ungrateful and enjoy the one little miracle we hold in our arms now - when he's still long enough to do so.
15.10.12
Happy birthday my gorgeous boy!
I've fallen off the blog planet. I've been jotting down a million scattered one-sentence thoughts and Ryker's birth story in the past week or so, but can't focus my blurred head to punch out anything concrete.... but this.
Happy 1st birthday to our beautiful boy!
I cried all day on the day that marked you had been in our world for six months. I was prepared for the 'Big 1' though, or maybe not so much prepared, as numb to the speed of time.
Daddy made you a chocolate chip pancake with a candle for breakfast and you opened your presents from us and had a nap, waking to a house full of family. We had a perfect celebration of you, and you knew it was for you and you loved it. The intensity of the love you have in your life is strong.
And, the presents. Oh, the presents. It's too much, really.
10.13.12
Missing
On a day with no obligations but to love and spend cherished time with my family, I was physically present, but mentally absent. Gone like the day is over. Missing.
On this rocky, self-made road, that I'm warned will have many hills, I had hit the peak. I stepped out, breathed the sweet air and took in the breathtaking view, but to my surprise, that road was longer than I thought. It continued... Downhill.
You see, what I experienced was a "surge" as the doctor would explain. I was on top of the world, exactly who and what I am. But then this following week my anxious, tired, irritable, arch nemesis came barging in. Me.
I hang on to hope because I met my ideal self and so I know she exists and I'm not going to let her get away that easily. I love her and the life she lives. So I see another hill ahead; although not in the near distance, I am hopeful I will reach it.
On this rocky, self-made road, that I'm warned will have many hills, I had hit the peak. I stepped out, breathed the sweet air and took in the breathtaking view, but to my surprise, that road was longer than I thought. It continued... Downhill.
You see, what I experienced was a "surge" as the doctor would explain. I was on top of the world, exactly who and what I am. But then this following week my anxious, tired, irritable, arch nemesis came barging in. Me.
My husband gives me this look on days like today.
This hold like he's trying to read me, but he looks scared or maybe sad, or maybe not.
I imagine I look numb.
Me: "I'm having a bad day."
B: "Is it me?"
Me: (Could you have been any more amazing today) "It's nothing. That's the problem."
I hang on to hope because I met my ideal self and so I know she exists and I'm not going to let her get away that easily. I love her and the life she lives. So I see another hill ahead; although not in the near distance, I am hopeful I will reach it.
On another note:
Happy Thanksgiving.
I have been using the word 'grateful' very much lately,
and mean it when I say it and write it because I feel it.
Just not today.
Anxiety defeats, once again, blurring my vision of everything I have to be grateful for,
such as this unfathomable love that surrounds my son and myself.
Grampa Rick and Ryker
6.10.12
Quiet and cozy
All I want are shades of bright orange, yellow and red fall leaves, heavy quilts, big tea cups and cozy cuddles. I am in deep with the love and warmth of home these days.
I was close to calling the wee one in sick to daycare this morning. I just wanted to spend this gloomy, rainy, fall day with him in the quiet, cozy of home. But instead, I write, and it can sometimes be nearly as comforting.
4.10.12
My baby
Dear Ryker,
At almost one year old, I caught a glimpse of three-month-old you today and it stopped me, literally in the moment. My baby. There you are. I stroked your hair and told you I love you.
I saw it while I was changing your diaper and leaning in face-to-face for playful kisses when you tilted your chin up like a newborn, smiled wide and for some reason I couldn't see your six little white teeth, but I saw those smiling squinted eyes. There you were, laying on your back looking up at me, like the days when you just layed there, not old enough to roll over, or sit up or walk away. I saw just your face, your baby face and not the face attached to the length of your growing body.
What does it mean when you're one year old?
And while I asked myself this, as though you could feel the uncertainty in my thoughts as your first birthday approaches, you were so 'baby' today. When you've seemed to have grown out of it, there you were, being a mama suck all day which I love because it's so rare and when I looked in on you tonight while you were sleeping, there you were, my baby.
We had a "moment" today. Moments for us are few and far between because you don't keep still long enough... or ever! Come to think of it, neither did I. But, I do now.
We were on the floor and I was writing and you took the pen from my hand and drew your first picture. Or, were you writing a story or writing me a message because you're not sure how to forms the words yet? You sat in my lap. You had a streak of black ink on your chin.
I saved the piece of paper.
I saved the piece of paper.
How is that you're almost one already?
I love every stage. It's true, what my bestfriend told me when I was upset about packing away your newborn clothes, that each stage is great. Just when I think "I'm gonna miss this", it gets unimaginably better. I'll always miss you newborn.
I love every stage. It's true, what my bestfriend told me when I was upset about packing away your newborn clothes, that each stage is great. Just when I think "I'm gonna miss this", it gets unimaginably better. I'll always miss you newborn.
God, I hope that when you're scared, we make you feel safe and that when you're sick we know just what to do to make you feel better. And when you're sad, I hope we say the right things to make it better and when you feel unsure I hope that we give you confidence. And I hope that when you're 12 and upset that you're thinking, "I need my mom." Like I still have "I need my mom" and "I need my dad" moments at nearly 30 years old.
I hope you know even the slightest bit of how much we love you, because it's so much that even if it's just the slightest you know now, it would be enough.
3.10.12
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