Afraid to go

Bryon told me on a drive home in the dark a couple of weeks ago (I love being the passenger in a vehicle, driving in the dark, and, unrelated to this topic, I also love passing by people singing to themselves in their cars-It always makes me happy) that he is afraid to die. Something has to really be bothering him for him to vocalize it. 

I told him not to be afraid to die, but to be sad for us because we would be left behind missing him. That I have no fear of dieing, but am most afraid of enduring the agony of losing the people that I love the most. 

Wee one is the biggest part of his life and his biggest fear, I know, is that he might miss out on his future. How do you comfort someone troubled by the inevitable - dieing, I mean, not today. I shared with him my mom's belief that's instilled in my own: When you die, you go to a better place and look down on this life and laugh at how seriously you took it. 

Then I told him that if he does die first, I don't want him to linger because I want his soul to cross over and to be at peace. And also, to lighten the mood, that I would likely start sleeping around right away and I don't want him to hanging around for that.

As I write this, I realize I should've taken him more seriously and embraced the conversation, utilizing the moment to learn what he wants for our son and reassuring him he would forever be embedded in our hearts. 

I've thought more than once who I would want to raise our child, if both myself and Bryon were gone and know that if that happens, our child will never feel the amount of love he was intended. But I hope he would learn kindness through being surrounded by it.
24.10.12