Watch you

Dear Ryker,

What does mommy always say when all goes quiet and I have a peek at what you're in to? I tell you, I'm watching you mister. Even when you think I'm not.

This is what I do. Watch you. Watch you discover new things, try new things, your face form into one of your million inquisitive expressions, and your eyebrows lift as if trying to open your eyes bigger to see more or eyes fold in question. I watch you stand up at anything you can pat your hands up onto and then let go and hang there standing and then drop to your bum, palms hit the floor and take off.

I just watch you take it all in. Sometimes while in rapid motion, other times still and content. Wonder what you're thinking and then wonder if you are actually thinking what I think you're thinking.

Sometimes when I watch you, I imagine watching a handful of you in years to come. That's not in "our plan"; however, when baby number two joins us one day, I will still be watching you too. Because you and the things you do will always amaze me.

28.8.12

Faces

Ten and a half months

27.8.12

Mommy, kisses?

Ryker,
I hold you up to my face and say, "Mommy, kisses?" and you open your mouth with drool hanging from your lip and close your eyes as you lean in gently and hit me with a big wet one. This is my favourite thing you do right now.
27.8.12

Another first

Ryker had his first haircut on the weekend. Well, not so much a haircut, but a snip around the ears. Three times I almost called to cancel because it's one of those firsts I wasn't ready to face. He did so good. How ridiculous to not want to face this 'first'. He got a certificate to commemorate the moment and some of his hair in a baggy that seems weird to me, but I slipped it into his baby book nonetheless. He looks so grown up in this picture... prepared to take on his first day of daycare next week. And you know what, I think I am too.

26.8.12

Shaken up

Ryker choked on his breakfast this morning and I swear that nearly 12 hours later, my hands still tremble and I can't get my breath to steady. 

Today I experienced what was the scariest moment of my life to date.

He was picking away at the bits of apple and 'Oatie-Os' on his tray while I cleaned the kitchen when I heard him cough and looked over. He coughed, that's a good thing; but, then his face went red and his eyes huge and his mouth held wide open.

I've froze with panic in the past when things have happened like our dog running across the busy street and wondered what I would do in a moment like this. Now I know.

I yanked him from his chair, dove him face flat and head first toward the floor laying across my arm and pounded on his bare back. It wasn't working. I brought him up and I hooked my finger into the back of his throat and pulled out a small piece of apple. Snot was bubbling out of his nostrils and then he started to cry. Oh my God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. (You know, the God that doesn't exist until moments like these.)

But then it happened again right away. I didn't get it all. So I went through the same motions wondering if I should call '911', but how do I do that and clear his airway at the same time? I don't remember how it stopped, but he started to cry again and I held him to my face and just held him there watching his face, listening to him breathe. My heart was racing so fast and hard that it hurt.

There were three small pieces of apple and an 'Oatie-O' on the kitchen floor that he either dropped earlier or were dislodged from his throat.

A minute later, already recovered, he looked at me and fake coughed like he always does and smiled, as if making an attempt to lighten the mood. It wasn't funny though. I held him. And when my heart finally slowed, tears streamed down my face.

When his daddy came home from work for lunch and asked Ryker how his morning had been, all I could do was break down hysterically. Bryon reassured me it was ok, that Ryker is ok, as if I was upset because I felt a failure. For once, I wasn't weighed by any mama guilt. I had been rattled so hard.

I tried to brush it off later in the afternoon, leaving it at the graciousness that he is ok. But I don't want to let myself off that easily. I want to lock this day into my memory as a reminder that 'just like that' things happen that could flip your world upside down.
24.8.12

Your world forever after

I don't remember what I was doing the day before I knew you would arrive. I remember I didn't sleep that night, which is the norm when you're in the last days of pregnancy and past your due date.

Ryker and I went for a stroll early this evening and were greeted by a beautiful, glowing mama-to-be with a perfect pregnant belly. She eyed us with urgency until we met face-to-face, as if she couldn't wait to "talk baby". She is being induced in the morning. Her and her husband and the little dog she was walking are expecting a baby boy.

She is desperate for encouragement as the hours count down to labour and delivery and yearning for a literal sneak peak about "The Moment" the baby arrives, and some reassurance that motherhood is all it's cracked up to be and more.

She asked me how labour was and I told her quick and painful.
She wanted to know what it was like to be induced. I told her that I don't remember, but that Ryker came four hours later.
She looked at Ryker and told me how cute he is and asked, "What's it like?" I knew she was talking about being a mommy and I told her it's amazing. I felt so excited and anxious for her.
"And having a boy?" she asked.
Wild and busy and fun.

Very insightful, huh? It's true, what your mom couldn't explain to you because it can't be put into words.

Nothing can describe the moment your baby comes into this world and your world forever after.

She thanked me. And I wished her luck and told her she'd do great. I sincerely wish her all the best.

We parted ways, and then something seemed so surreal.
Tonight she's walking her dog, tomorrow her life will change forever.
She thinks she knows, but she has no idea what it's going to feel like - Labour and delivery, "The Moment" and motherhood.

How sad when I remember the parents who said to me, "Your life will never be the same" in a tone that suggested in a negative connotation that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. That life would change, of course, but perhaps not for the better? Hmmm.

13.8.12

10 months

Dear Ryker,
Today you are ten months old. 
Here I share ten things I've loved about the first ten months of your life.

1. The moment you came into our lives.
2. Your happiness.
3. Your daddy.
4. Your love.
5. The unimaginable love you have in your life.
4. Your little bum and your wild hair, your smile
    and your big eyes. (OK, that's four things)
5. Your million expressions.
6. You asleep.
7. Teaching me what's really important.
8. The sounds you make in the morning.
9. The days when it's just me and you and we don't have to      
     leave the house.
10. You, in your entirety and truly.

xoxo
Mommy.
13.8.12

Just for Today...

I will give thanks to my many blessings.

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbour and every living thing.

I'm not sure where this originated, but it was given to me from José Van Haastert, of Inner Impact. She is a Reiki teacher and practitioner outside of the town I live and a good energy to be in the presence of.

The Reiki experience
In March of 2010 I met José when I wrote an article about the Reiki experience. She gave me a Reiki treatment and I went back a couple of times after that. I just found notes in my journal of what I gained from those experiences. Why haven't I been back since? I guess because any time I have a wellness breakthrough I think that's all I needed. Like working out. After a couple of months I feel great, so I just stop.

I want to share with you a bit about Reiki and the Law of Attraction.
Reiki is a way to increase your life energy. It is an ancient hands-on healing technique which channels universal life energy through the hands of a practitioner to the body of the receiver. Rei-Japanese word meaning universal. Ki- means vital life force energy, which flows through all that is alive. 

Law of Attraction: Like attracts like. You attract to your life whatever you give your attention, energy and focus to; whether negative or positive. You get what you put your energy and focus on - wanted or unwanted.
The Law of Attraction is working in your life right now; whether you are aware of it or not, you are attracting people, situations, jobs, etc. into your life. By focusing on your problems and things that didn't feel right or good, you are actually creating more problems and bad feelings.
Once you are aware of it and how it works, you can start to use it to deliberately attract what you want.
Think of yourself as a magnet. It doesn't try to attract, it simply does attract. We attract the likeness of what we are thinking about. It's that easy.

The universe doesn't respond to negatives. So, for example, instead of saying, "I don't want it to rain", try "I want the sun to shine". 

Ask yourself, What do you want?
•••
As a way to relieve stress and anxiety, José taught me to take four deep breaths before laying in bed. Be sure you are breathing with your stomach, not your chest. Push your stomach out as you inhale, filling it with air, and in as you exhale. Place your hand on your stomach to feel it rise as you inhale through your nose and then exhale through your mouth, deflating. Once you can do this in bed and find relaxation, carry it with you throughout the day.

The week I learned about the Law of Attraction, Bryon was leaving for hockey and had been disappointed in his game lately. Before he left we talked about positive thinking and he left knowing he would have a good game and I sent those positive thoughts with him too. I told him to have fun and he left for the game... He told me the good news when he got home. Hat Trick! Final score: 7 -3. 

Ok, so the story didn't blow your mind, but I'm a firm believer in that there is no such thing as coincidence and this hit home for me. We still have the puck from that game as a reminder to think positive thoughts and positive things will come our way.

13.8.12

It's a phase: Separation anxiety

According to one of those "all-important first year" textbooks that we, new moms, swear by in the early days and then want to set fire to as soon as we read that our baby hasn't reached one of the mentioned developmental milestones he "should" have in the first month, Ryker may be dealing with a minor case of separation anxiety.

I took the book to bed last night to see if I could find anything to help interpret some strange behaviour on Ryker's behalf. We went to visit Nana and Grump last night and he made strange. I was leaving him there for a few minutes to go do some pet sitting business and when I came back he was hysterical until he was in my arms. I thought, Awww... So he does want his mommy, but also that it was very out of character for him.

It was that experience and my guilt for him not settling himself to sleep anymore (See blog post: Be careful what you wish for) that had me dig out the book.

And here's what I found:
Nine months
Now, and for the next few months, is when separation anxiety is at its peak. Although it's normal for a nine-month old to show an extreme attachment to you, and fear everyone else, it can be difficult for doting grandparents and other relatives and friends. Encourage people to approach slowly and let your baby make the first move.

So it's not my new need to meet his every whimper and scoop him up and out of his crib that has ruined the ease of getting him down for bedtime.

Ah, how the human race finds justification in anything.

If it's mommy he's crying for through this phase, I'll indulge!
8.8.12

Camping

Cape Croker

Road trip, musty tent smell, "tarp city" additions, insect repellant...

Late night masked intruders, thunderstorms, cold cans...

Plaid plastic table cloth, butter tart-sticky playing cards, nylon rope clothesline...

 Dirt, hot dogs, no cell service, late nights and early mornings. 

August long weekend.

Be careful what you wish for

It's 7:41 p.m. As I write, Ryker is screaming in his crib at the top of his lungs. Judge if you will. Don't feel guilty about it. I judge all of your parenting skills. Isn't that what mothers do to one another? A way to justify the other morning when I accidentally snipped his finger when clipping his nails? It helps boost our own motherly esteem, inching us closer to earning the 'World's Greatest Mom' coffee mug.

I'm the mom, when asked the ever popular question that goes hand in hand with, "Are you nursing?" and "Is he teething?"... "Is he sleeping through the night?" My response since he was six weeks old came in an apologetic (with hidden graciousness and a wee bit of conceit) tone, "We are so lucky. He has always been a good sleeper."

Well, I have untaught the act of soothing himself to sleep... (I just caved and went up to read him a couple of stories) He is still crying, doing what I wished he would - Crying when I put him down and holding his arms out for me. Be careful what you wish for.

As I tried to rekindle those snuggles I feel I was cheated in those early days because he slept well on his own, I realize it isn't all it's cracked up to be. That's an understatement.

In an act to reclaim my infant as a newborn, I lost my will to leave him be at the slightest peep. Selfishly wanting to run to his rescue, scoop him up and smother myself in his needing his mommy. Well, it worked and now I kick myself in the ass and as he's left up there "abandoned" as I once again enforce that "bedtime is sleep time" - The lesson we studied and passed months ago.

Why would I do this to all of us?

(Wait... he stopped. 8:03 p.m.) Exhale. (Heading up to have a peak to make sure everything is OK. You always check in when things go quiet.)

So it's really not bad. I can say that now, right? Because he is asleep.

Phew. Now I can be that mom again. Ask me if he's sleeping through the night.

"Well, he's having a hard time getting to sleep lately, but we're so lucky he sleeps through the night."

I couldn't resist.

2.8.12

In those times you're supposed to be asleep...

Did I mention how I embrace the moment in the glow of the hallway light when you rest your head on my left shoulder and then bring your arm up to grip around my other with your tiny, warm hand?

3.8.12

Ready to take on the world

Before Ryker was born I knew he was eager and ready to take on the world.

The loud noise of drums, the dog's bark and trucks racing by our main street home thrill him. He loves to be scared. The more you can make him jump out of his skin, the bigger the squeal.

He gets this from his Uncle Joe. At nine months old he's already always looking for an adventure. You can truly see in his eyes him yearn for the next chapter. He longs to catch up with the "big kids". I long to hold him back. 

My husband coaxed him to get crawling and I would say, "Why does he need to crawl when he can lie on his back and mommy will bring him whatever he needs?"

Now that he crawls he longs to run.

His daddy stands behind him, holding his hands high above his head teaching him to "walk like a dinosaur" and I joke, "The moment he takes his first step I'm going to push him over."

In the lake, he strokes his arms and kicks his legs as if he would take off if we let go. We tried, he can't.

Ryker's first meal. "I got this, mom."

He's the boy that wanted to use his spoon the first time he ate, the baby whose eyes grow wilder the higher in the air you toss him and the kid who will insist on tying his shoes every time.

I've said before how important it is to me that in parenting and loving him I give him life experiences, but that doesn't mean I am not terrified of the day he takes that upon himself and pulls into our driveway on a motorcycle, YouTube's a video jumping from a plane in Peru or emails us a photo of him surfing the Great Barrier Reef.

2.8.12

On my side

I was checking out the living conditions in the claustrophobic small second floor of the aircraft. My husband and son were among the other passengers on board sitting in their seats a floor below. The plane took a big smooth turn to the right and then plummeted in slow spirals toward the ground. I could literally feel the drop as my stomach rose up into my throat, which is weird because it was a dream. As I continued to fall it went silent and there was a sudden calm. As dreams go, I woke up just before we hit.

I was sleeping on the couch and awoke from the nightmare just as my husband stood above me at nearly 4 a.m. asking me what the hell I was doing on the couch. He sleeps soundly any other night we've had an argument, but tonight's different for him. He's had enough. "You don't get your own way, so you pout all night?" he yelled. "Now you hate me so much you can't even sleep next to me!"

There it was. Yet, another breakthrough in our ten-year-long relationship. Those ones that, just when it's slipping hard and fast, you drop the bullshit, give in and fall deeper in love. 

Me not getting my way escalated into him not being on my side and then into us not wanting the same things. How would we make it? 

In reality: He's logical and I'm the spoiled brat that didn't get her way. So... I'm still working on the whole "compromise" thing that comes with marriage. Ugh. I hate that!

What I love are my boys. 

I'm on board, seated next to them in the world that to me, revolves around them.

Years ago I was talking to a buddy about marriage and that I would never get married. I questioned, "If you were truly in love, what are the chances that two people are compatible enough to grow and change, as everyone does, together." He said, "That's the point. You have to love that person enough to grow and change with them through all of those years."  I just remembered this. I love this. To that buddy: Happy 1st Anniversary this month!
1.8.12