Shaken up

Ryker choked on his breakfast this morning and I swear that nearly 12 hours later, my hands still tremble and I can't get my breath to steady. 

Today I experienced what was the scariest moment of my life to date.

He was picking away at the bits of apple and 'Oatie-Os' on his tray while I cleaned the kitchen when I heard him cough and looked over. He coughed, that's a good thing; but, then his face went red and his eyes huge and his mouth held wide open.

I've froze with panic in the past when things have happened like our dog running across the busy street and wondered what I would do in a moment like this. Now I know.

I yanked him from his chair, dove him face flat and head first toward the floor laying across my arm and pounded on his bare back. It wasn't working. I brought him up and I hooked my finger into the back of his throat and pulled out a small piece of apple. Snot was bubbling out of his nostrils and then he started to cry. Oh my God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. (You know, the God that doesn't exist until moments like these.)

But then it happened again right away. I didn't get it all. So I went through the same motions wondering if I should call '911', but how do I do that and clear his airway at the same time? I don't remember how it stopped, but he started to cry again and I held him to my face and just held him there watching his face, listening to him breathe. My heart was racing so fast and hard that it hurt.

There were three small pieces of apple and an 'Oatie-O' on the kitchen floor that he either dropped earlier or were dislodged from his throat.

A minute later, already recovered, he looked at me and fake coughed like he always does and smiled, as if making an attempt to lighten the mood. It wasn't funny though. I held him. And when my heart finally slowed, tears streamed down my face.

When his daddy came home from work for lunch and asked Ryker how his morning had been, all I could do was break down hysterically. Bryon reassured me it was ok, that Ryker is ok, as if I was upset because I felt a failure. For once, I wasn't weighed by any mama guilt. I had been rattled so hard.

I tried to brush it off later in the afternoon, leaving it at the graciousness that he is ok. But I don't want to let myself off that easily. I want to lock this day into my memory as a reminder that 'just like that' things happen that could flip your world upside down.
24.8.12