New space

I'm longing for a new space, like a new start, for what reason I'm not sure. Maybe February. I always blame February, or like my mom, the weather.

I feel like in a new space, we will have Wide Open Spaces.
Like I'd be more awake in the morning in a new space and sleep better at night in a fresh open space.
Like the light coming in through the windows in a new space would be brighter and there would be no dust in the air or on the furniture for that light to reflect on.
Like I'll buy good lunch meat and make my husband lunch everyday and prepare healthy dinners every night and I'll invite our family over for brunch every Sunday.
Like maybe I'd throw the ball for the dogs and scoop their poop in the yard every day.
Like there's a void I'm trying to fill and I can't quite pinpoint it.

I'm longing for a sense of community and closeness of family. I'm longing for a give-and-take society that doesn't exist where I am in this moment. I'm longing for someone to drop by for a cup of tea and to be able to enjoy the company without thinking of work I should be getting done. I want to help someone by picking their kids up from school and feeding them dinner and another day have someone do the same for me. I don't want to feel out of line to ask a neighbour for a cup of sugar or to feel guilty for asking someone to do something for me and I don't want someone else feeling it would be too much of a hassle to ask me. I feel like we're all behind our closed doors and curtained windows. It feels sad to feel such disconnect with society.

Like in a new space, even in the boonies, I would make this happen. Like for some reason, where I am wrapped up in all of our unimportant cluttered things I just wouldn't be able to find my way past and make it work. Like the gray sky has made it too dark to see through to connect with anything.
25.2.13

The sweetest boy in the world

"You are so cute."

"I love you."

"You are the sweetest boy in the world."

These are the things I say to our little man a million times a day.

He loves Row, Row, Row Your Boat and sings Row, Row, Row and moves his arms like he's rowing a boat.

He dances when he's eating something delicious like his Uncle Joe used to do when he was a kid.

He loves older kids. They just breathe and he laughs with admiration.

He's not saying much, but he understands everything.

He loves blueberries.

This week, he has been home from daycare and a total mommy suck and I love it and I'm obsessed with him and I already miss him like crazy thinking that he'll be back to "school" on Monday. I seriously cannot get enough of his presence and of loving and caring for him. I've been soaking in is beautiful hugs and sweet kisses and the sound of his feet on the dirty floors running circles around the house. Today, when all went quiet, he had goneoff on his own to sit on his little stool at the end table with a box of raisins, watching TV, looking so small in the big room. I peeked in and just watched him.

Sometimes when I'm not around my boys, this strong urgency of needing to be with them right at that very moment comes over me and I almost ache for them. Other times when we're together I want them to get lost, of course.

22.3.13

February... Eat it.

It's been a long weekend. Not in the sense that Monday (Family Day) was a holiday, but in that our little babes is sick. He's sick a lot. He's in daycare. But sick has never slowed him down. This time he's so weak and tired and wants to be held and then doesn't want to be touched, needs his blankie and then doesn't want to be covered up, breaks down at the drop of a dime, rolls around on the floor whining or crying, doesn't eat and arches his back as if in pain. His eye teeth are coming in and I thought, this is it... What other mamas cry about... Teething. All the other teeth just popped with no mad warning like this.

But, as it turns out we went to the doctor again today to nip this thing in the bud and he may have Bronchitis and is back on inhalers and Penicillin. Our poor little man.

I've pretty much dropped off the planet, but I'm still here... Waiting out this miserable month, looking forward to the next that brings us closer to spring and the sunshine that my mood depends on.

In better news, we're taking a road trip to Florida to see my dad and Carol. These two have been, some days, heart achingly missing in my life over the winter.
We will be reliving the road trips of my childhood - The memories of driving under highway lights through the night, staying awake with my dad, southern accents when we stop for breakfast, the gradual warmth as we get nearer and nearer... All memories and more to create with my own family and I can't wait. Nice to have something to look forward to this time of year.

Fuck February. Seriously.
19.2.13

My Captured Heart

Legs tucked up and arms tucked in, cuddled into me with your head turned sideways and your cheek resting against my chest, inhaling and exhaling sleep breaths. When you come out of it and pop your eyes open and your head up looking me face-to-face, you capture another bit of my heart, when I thought you already had it whole. And you smile a sleepy grin and I give you an Eskimo kiss and you flip your head in the other direction and rest your other cheek on me, softly singing and talking yourself back to sleep. Only to repeat it over and over as if you wake to check that I'm still there. Always.

Today, I met my friend's third son, less than one week old. He's gorgeous. I told her it was a bad idea for me to be holding him because I might catch baby fever again, but I didn't feel the fever. 

Tonight when I was rocking with Ryker in his room, I thought of how we can fit another little person in this very room and I mapped out the layout of two little beds with just a nightstand between them. I imagined it for only a second until I knew, at that moment, that I'm not ready to spread my mama love just yet.

•••

One of my favourite things to do is peek in on you through the crack in your door when you haven't fallen asleep for nap time yet but are content with the quiet time. Somehow you get the feeling I'm there because you look up, but it's seldom we make eye contact and I blow my cover. 

Last week I was watching you and you were playing with two teddy bears. Talking away, cuddling one on each cheek and then covering your eyes with them and pulling them away as if you were playing peek with the baby doll below.

•••

• You blow kisses.

• I ask you where your head is and when you reach up and touch the top of your head, I tickle your armpits. The tickle threat is the cutest because you slowly start to put your arms up them then bring them back down again fast.

• We make a calm, but very quick exit from the tub when you poop, which pretty often cuts tub time short.

• You're getting up around 2am and I bring you to bed and you fall asleep right away with us. We've never had that and we love it... but let's not do it forever. Daddy pushed to the edge of the bed. You making noises and rarely still. None of us really getting a decent sleep. 

• 5 Green and Speckled Frogs.

6.1.13

Maya Angelou

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou

I "work from home"

I start off every week with good intention. My biggest procrastination is writing. No matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my mind around getting my stories in by Friday so I can enjoy my weekend and not be stressed about meeting Monday's deadline.

I mean, the interviews are done, the info is at my fingertips, the week's photos are saved into my computer. Throw it together and hit 'Send' damn it.

So in an effort to prioritize I took a tip from a Blog I read about ways to successfully work from home and made myself up a weekly schedule... while I was supposed to be meeting deadline yesterday morning. 

Monday's & Tuesday's mapped-out schedule

7am: Wake 

7:30am: Ryker daycare

8am: Pet sits

9 - 10:30am: Freelance

10:30am - 1pm: Pet sits

1pm - 3pm: Freelance

3pm - 4pm: Pet Love

4:30pm: Computer off for the night

5pm - Ryker daycare

What really happened Monday

8am: Wake

8:30am: Ryker daycare

9am: Pet sits

10am - 11am: Freelance

11am - 12:30pm: Pet sits

12:30pm: Check email, Facebook, read Blogs, throw in laundry, empty dishwasher, clean bedrooms, switch up bedroom curtain rods and curtains, sweep house, check email, Facebook, de-clutter living room, throw in more laundry, think about vacuuming the raisins out of the rug, take out the garbage and recycling, pick up toys, wipe down kitchen counter, eat a donut.

3pm: Watch Dr. Phil, fold laundry.

4pm: Check email, Facbook, line up a few things for the week.

4:30pm: Start dinner

5pm: Pick up the little man.

The only thing I did do was turn the computer off for the night!

And, what's really going on today

8:30am: Wake

9am: Ryker daycare, pick up a coffee

It's 9:59am: I checked my emails, just got off Facebook and am writing this post while drinking my coffee. According to my weekly schedule I should have my morning pet sits done, be knee-deep in writing and just getting ready to get out the door to walk dogs. This is getting out of hand.

That's right. I "work from home". 

5.2.13

The Boys

31.1.12