Push

It wasn't long ago that I was sitting in the waiting room of the dr.'s office across from a fellow mama pregnant with their fourth child. She was nearing the end of her pregnancy and I wasn't too far into mine and I said to her that she must be getting anxious for the baby to arrive. I remembered the anticipation I felt at the end of my pregnancy with Ryker. 

It took me off guard when she said she wasn't in a rush. For her, she said it was easier to have number four contained with three little ones already on the loose. With four weeks until the expected arrival of our second baby I get it, for more reasons than that one.

Ryker and I were recently at a friend's house for a play date when I realized that the four of us visiting were each moms to boys. Our oldest all the same age and the second round ranging from about nine months old to in utero. As play dates go, we were snacking and enjoying some adult time with the sounds of kids-not-sharing squabbles and big truck wheels rolling across the kitchen floor in the back ground. 

It was when the conversation took a turn in the direction of waters breaking, rushes to the hospital and an inhumane number of hours of contractions that the reality of the nearing arrival of our baby hit me like a swift punch in the face.

I had mentally fast-tracked from carrying this bundle in my belly to visions of us home and settled in, completely blocking out the in between. The all-things-physical that come with the birth of a beautiful miracle. 

It couldn't have become any more clear that I would have to push this baby out of me then when earlier this week as I was strolling down the hall past the delivery rooms in the hospital on my way to an appointment that I passed an open door with a man's voice coming from behind the closed curtain saying, "Push. Push. You have to push."

Seriously. What the F#*%! The walls started closing in on me as I quickened my pace. Somewhere along the way I had fallen for the magic bean story I told our inquisitive preschooler when he asked how the baby got in my belly and then how he will get out. 

At 36 weeks pregnant I wonder how all of a sudden we came this far so quickly. I can't wait to see his face, feel his little fingers wrapped around mine and to love and feel more loved in a way so huge I know I can't fathom now, but at the same time I'm in no rush to throw the beautiful chaos of a new baby into our world. But not being in a rush doesn't slow the speed of time.

These last weeks of post-labour and delivery anxieties are going to feel like forever, but before I know it I'll be wondering if "it's time". And in the next moment we'll be en route to the hospital and again I'll hear a voice telling me to "Push". And just like that I'll be holding him for the first time.

I'll blink and we'll be home and up through the night rocking his swaddled warmth and perfection. And, as I beautifully witnessed surrounded by those moms with their two boys, I will remember how it was all worth it. 

Feb. 26, 2015

I love you with the world

We were caught in the middle of an unfortunate anger-fueled blow out recently that became a reflection of Ryker's behaviour for about a week or so to follow. The rage he acted out was what I can only assume an expression of what he'd seen and led me to fear that he had been scarred for life. 

Fortunately, a concocted blend of communication, love, sense of security and the resiliency in kids lifted the effect of what had rattled us all and been replaced with the reflection of our everyday lives - Love and empathy.

His last toddler lash out in that week to follow involved throwing his bedroom lamp for being sent there for some quiet time, leaving bits of broken bulb across the floor. I, surprisingly calm and with a broom in my hand sweeping up the shards, told him that I was upset that he had broken his lamp and that it was so dangerous to throw things when you're angry and I didn't want him to get hurt. Since then, for the past couple of weeks, out of nowhere he'll come to me and sweetly say, "Sorry mommy. Sorry for breaking my lamp." Apologizing, I think, for the first time ever and without being asked to. I'm not sure if he gets it now or if in his manipulative toddler brilliancy he knows it melts me, but I just keep telling him that I know he's sorry and that we don't throw things when we get angry because someone could get hurt and that I love him.

He's been hugging me and mushing his cheek to mine whispering sweet love into my ear, like "You're the sweetest" or "You're the best" and this morning, "I love you with the world." I don't know what it means, but it might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

The moral of the story, I suppose, is that we can't shield our children from all of the negative real-life instances, but we can let them know that through them they can find security in our unconditional love.

Feb. 14, 2015

Breastfeeding Buddies

I left after one night in the hospital with Ryker when he was born, opting out of the optional two. In the morning, my OB said it was ok that we go home, but to know that it was going to be a hard night. I thought to myself it couldn't be much harder than sharing a room with fellow new mamas up all night with crying babies. I can take it from here, I thought confidently. I got this mom thing. 

What I got was the hardest night we've experienced as parents, to date.

It was a perfect day with friends and family popping in and chilling out, enjoying cuddles with our new sweetly sleeping miracle. A celebration that came to an abrupt end in the wee hours of the night when the joy we'd been experiencing took a wild turn. Panic set in when we'd lost all control and couldn't get Ryker to settle. He cried and cried and we paced and paced, cringing at every creak in the floor that might make him stir once we rocked him back to sleep. 

I was nursing him, he was latching, but I must not be able to give him what he needs I realized and in an insane frenzy I headed for the kitchen. I frantically started digging through drawers and cupboards for a bottle and then tearing open a container of formula and filling a pot with water and putting it on the stove (I was going to boil the formula maybe???). Bry was in the background still pacing and mumbling something about this not being what he had signed up for. We were exhausted and delirious and coming down from a great high fed off of inhuman adrenaline over the past 48 hours.

Finally Bry must have taken a breath and snapped out of the moment to take hold of the situation. He stilled the chaos long enough to communicate, "Stop. Let's phone the hospital and ask what we should do." A kind nurse told me, "Honey, you have to put that baby on your boob and keep him there all night long." Huh? What the hell was she talking about? Something about my milk having to come in? Didn't the milk come in when the baby came out? I didn't get it, but I threw him on and we went to work.

It's all a blur, but I'll never forget waking up some time later, all three of us crashed out on the couch, and jumping up about to call in a search party for my other 10 babies. Truly. It was so chaotic there couldn't have been just one.

From then on, something that I had expected to come so naturally became the source of an excruciating pain partnered with anxiety and the pressure to keep going. I would sometimes just sit and watch our newborn in fear, flinching at any indication that it might be time for a feeding. And when I wasn't doing that, I was busy between feedings trying anything that would alleviate the pain and help to heal my wounded nipples.

I had a lot of encouragement and support from my husband, including a visit with a lactation consultant but between the two of us we had no knowledge. I put it to rest after a few weeks and began to pump and bottle feed, eventually mixing breastmilk with formula as we transitioned to formula on its own and I was able to enjoy the beauty of this new being and my new place in the world.

It's because of this experience that it gives me great peace of mind in knowing the community health centre recently launched its Mom-to-Mom Breastfeeding Support Program and I'm proud to say that a few of them, the program calls Breastfeeding Buddies, are friends of mine. I love that these beautiful women are giving their time and knowledge to support new and expectant mamas and, being a little smarter the second time around, I've already reached out to them for some advice.

Maegan suggests some reading about breastfeeding ahead of baby's arrival and to always talk to a friend or someone you trust about your concerns before and after the baby arrives. "I think a mom who feels a little more comfortable with the process, and realizes that it may not be a completely perfect process tends to have an easier time with it."

During the training course these mamas took to become a mentor they learned about the importance of having naked tummy-to-tummy time when the baby is born and as much as possible in those first days to help form a bond as well as not washing the baby off so that your scent sends a message to both of you and helps to bring the milk in. They also talked a lot about "nipple to nose" - Setting the baby up this way before nursing so the baby's mouth naturally makes its way up to the nipple instead of just pushing your nipple into their mouth. 

Leah says a lot of books and professionals say that breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but that isn't true. It does hurt at first, but is so easy and convenient once you get the hang of it and feeding times became some of her favourite times of the day. It also empowered her to know that every pound her babies gained was because of her alone and all of her hard work. "Breastfeeding is meant to be an enjoyable bonding experience and if it isn't working or if you aren't enjoying it, then don't do it."

This is one of Alicia's favourite bits of parenting advice from a Scary Mommy post. "Kids don't come with a handbook, and even if they did, no one has ever parented THIS child in THIS family under THESE circumstances before so, really, what good would a handbook be anyway? This is unchartered territory. For every one of us. We're learning as we go. And sometimes we just have no freaking idea."

"Every baby is SO different as can your breastfeeding experience be." With her firstborn, breastfeeding came so naturally for both of them and she continued to breastfeed until her son was two years old. 

Breastfeeding baby number two was a completely different experience. They had such a hard time getting a good latch down and when he was just a day and half old she was in tears and phoned the Telehealth breastfeeding support line and they tried to talk her through it. It ended with a visit from her midwife that night who helped her get a latch and then she had to set her alarm to wake him and nurse through the night.

She says it was a lot because she assumed it would have been the same easy-going nursing experience she had with her firstborn. "We eventually got a good latch going and things have been uphill since then. Nine months and going strong!"

More proof that your second experience can be completely different than your first and that a little support can go a long way... Alicia has been supporting a friend with breastfeeding her second babe because she had a bad experience with her firstborn and says once her friend got the support she needed things worked out this time around.

"I think a big part of breastfeeding, actually just being a mom in general, is to just do what works for mom and baby. Both have to be comfortable with things or it's just not going to be an enjoyable experience and that's it. If something is stressful and you can't get the support you need or find it's not helping then don't do it. Find what works and go with it."


I wish I had this amazing support system when Ryker was born and feel comfort in knowing I can turn to them when the new baby arrives. Expect 3 a.m. phone calls ladies :) xo