Captured memories

Photo by Totah

Photo by Totah

Sponge

I'm really soaking up the sadness of the first world this week. I'm carrying the weight of people's sadness - Not for them, but trailing behind them and picking up bits and pieces of it, putting them in my pocket and letting them weigh me down.

The recent close-to-home murder of a father and husband my age with a child close to the same age as mine brought back memories of the even-closer-to-home murder of the young, beautiful school teacher on New Year's Eve. Fear of my surroundings grows stronger and stronger.

In a week I've heard the story of three children in one family suffering from a fatal genetic lung disease and witnessed the disintegration of a marriage of parents to three. I saw jobless, drug-addicted parents with the little ones in tow that they produce one after another and another and another engaged in a drug deal outside of a local grocery store and am impacted by the cancers that are sweeping the lives of those around us and further, a generation far exceeding any quality of life that continue to go on and on and on.

This morning I woke to the news of a tornado that stole many lives in Oklahoma.

My naivity to it all ceases more and more as the years go by.

21.5.13

Mother's Day Tea

I was invited for Mother's Day Tea at Ryker's daycare this afternoon. The wee ones came out in a line, Ryker oblivious to the crowd of mamas. The first thing I noticed was that they wet his hair down to look nice and neat. They all sat on the floor in a group and started to sing Mommy Day songs. By sing, I mean Ryker faced into the crowd of kids checking out everyone's shoes. He was actually looking down at a little guy's kicks and then looking at his in comparison. All I could see was his back until he turned around and saw me in the crowd and came over to see me. He sat in a little chair, now part of the audience, watching the kids sing and when it was over, he got up and he gave me a big hug and grabbed my hand to show me around.

He made me the most perfect Mother's Day card with flowers made from prints of his hands and feet and a little poem that he suddenly threw on the floor after I had a look and all hell broke loose out of nowhere. 

He was whining impatiently, waiting in line for a snack and then hysterical while he was eating it. Someone said that maybe he's overwhelmed. I just thought he was pissed because I was taking his plate away because his mouth was so full. When the place cleared out, his demeanor took a 180 and he was carefree playing with his baby playdate, now fellow daycare buddies. Someone else said maybe he doesn't like crowds. 

And the fear of his possible panic, made me feel panicked. Was he panicked? What if the number of people in the space and chaos around us was making him anxious and that's why he was so upset. The thought makes me feel sick... and guilty... and sad.

Maybe he was just starving and thirsty.

Once we were ready to head out the door, it started. We're seven days in. "Ma baw? Ma baw? Ma baw? Ma baw? Ma baw?" It was in the truck waiting for him. Obviously. We don't go anywhere now without that damn security ball. I was the hero when I handed it to him and the whole two minutes ride home... "Ma baw. Ma baw. Ma baw. Ma baw. Ma baw."

This week, I'm convinced he's either going to be a baseball player or a shoe salesman when he grows up.

10.5.13

What he's doing now...

What he's doing now...

• So over holding my hand.

• Obsessed with a chewed up dog ball he came home with from Omi and Totah's. It goes in the tub, goes to bed and first thing in the morning he holds his hands out and says, "Ball?"

• Man knows what he wants... and what he doesn't. "No."

• "Moe?"

• His obsession with shoes continues. He has to be wearing them at all times, except the tub and bed.

• His hair is wildly too long.

• He's a little boy. He drinks from juice boxes.

• Likes to wash his hands and brush his teeth.

• Blankie is "Be-Be".

• Up and down stairs. No big deal.

• Intrigued by how everything works. I think he'll be good with his hands.

• Drank lavender oil. Oops.

• Loves his cousins.

• Holds things to his mouth and sings. Leans down into garden lanterns and sings into them.

• A million other things adorable things I can't think of right now.

And myself... Loving family time. Quality time with Nana and Grump. Grampa and GG come home tomorrow from a winter's away in Florida. Enjoyed a whole Sunday with family - For once not caring about work. Spring is here. Enjoying outside, trees blossoming, barbecued dinner and drinks on the deck and the first grass cut of the season. Talking about all of our yard plans... the same ones we've been talking about for years.

7.5.13