Missing

On a day with no obligations but to love and spend cherished time with my family, I was physically present, but mentally absent. Gone like the day is over. Missing.

On this rocky, self-made road, that I'm warned will have many hills, I had hit the peak. I stepped out, breathed the sweet air and took in the breathtaking view, but to my surprise, that road was longer than I thought. It continued... Downhill.

You see, what I experienced was a "surge" as the doctor would explain. I was on top of the world, exactly who and what I am. But then this following week my anxious, tired, irritable, arch nemesis came barging in. Me.

My husband gives me this look on days like today. 

This hold like he's trying to read me, but he looks scared or maybe sad, or maybe not.

I imagine I look numb.

Me: "I'm having a bad day."

B: "Is it me?"

Me: (Could you have been any more amazing today) "It's nothing. That's the problem."

I hang on to hope because I met my ideal self and so I know she exists and I'm not going to let her get away that easily. I love her and the life she lives. So I see another hill ahead; although not in the near distance, I am hopeful I will reach it.

On another note: 

Happy Thanksgiving.

I have been using the word 'grateful' very much lately,

and mean it when I say it and write it because I feel it.

Just not today.

Anxiety defeats, once again, blurring my vision of everything I have to be grateful for,

 such as this unfathomable love that surrounds my son and myself.

Grampa Rick and Ryker

6.10.12