My baby

Dear Ryker,

At almost one year old, I caught a glimpse of three-month-old you today and it stopped me, literally in the moment. My baby. There you are. I stroked your hair and told you I love you. 

I saw it while I was changing your diaper and leaning in face-to-face for playful kisses when you tilted your chin up like a newborn, smiled wide and for some reason I couldn't see your six little white teeth, but I saw those smiling squinted eyes. There you were, laying on your back looking up at me, like the days when you just layed there, not old enough to roll over, or sit up or walk away. I saw just your face, your baby face and not the face attached to the length of your growing body.

What does it mean when you're one year old?

And while I asked myself this, as though you could feel the uncertainty in my thoughts as your first birthday approaches, you were so 'baby' today. When you've seemed to have grown out of it, there you were, being a mama suck all day which I love because it's so rare and when I looked in on you tonight while you were sleeping, there you were, my baby.

We had a "moment" today. Moments for us are few and far between because you don't keep still long enough... or ever! Come to think of it, neither did I. But, I do now.

We were on the floor and I was writing and you took the pen from my hand and drew your first picture. Or, were you writing a story or writing me a message because you're not sure how to forms the words yet? You sat in my lap. You had a streak of black ink on your chin. 

I saved the piece of paper.

How is that you're almost one already? 
I love every stage. It's true, what my bestfriend told me when I was upset about packing away your newborn clothes, that each stage is great. Just when I think "I'm gonna miss this", it gets unimaginably better. I'll always miss you newborn.

God, I hope that when you're scared, we make you feel safe and that when you're sick we know just what to do to make you feel better. And when you're sad, I hope we say the right things to make it better and when you feel unsure I hope that we give you confidence. And I hope that when you're 12 and upset that you're thinking, "I need my mom." Like I still have "I need my mom" and "I need my dad" moments at nearly 30 years old.

I hope you know even the slightest bit of how much we love you, because it's so much that even if it's just the slightest you know now, it would be enough. 3.10.12