New space

I'm longing for a new space, like a new start, for what reason I'm not sure. Maybe February. I always blame February, or like my mom, the weather.

I feel like in a new space, we will have Wide Open Spaces.
Like I'd be more awake in the morning in a new space and sleep better at night in a fresh open space.
Like the light coming in through the windows in a new space would be brighter and there would be no dust in the air or on the furniture for that light to reflect on.
Like I'll buy good lunch meat and make my husband lunch everyday and prepare healthy dinners every night and I'll invite our family over for brunch every Sunday.
Like maybe I'd throw the ball for the dogs and scoop their poop in the yard every day.
Like there's a void I'm trying to fill and I can't quite pinpoint it.

I'm longing for a sense of community and closeness of family. I'm longing for a give-and-take society that doesn't exist where I am in this moment. I'm longing for someone to drop by for a cup of tea and to be able to enjoy the company without thinking of work I should be getting done. I want to help someone by picking their kids up from school and feeding them dinner and another day have someone do the same for me. I don't want to feel out of line to ask a neighbour for a cup of sugar or to feel guilty for asking someone to do something for me and I don't want someone else feeling it would be too much of a hassle to ask me. I feel like we're all behind our closed doors and curtained windows. It feels sad to feel such disconnect with society.

Like in a new space, even in the boonies, I would make this happen. Like for some reason, where I am wrapped up in all of our unimportant cluttered things I just wouldn't be able to find my way past and make it work. Like the gray sky has made it too dark to see through to connect with anything.
25.2.13

The sweetest boy in the world

"You are so cute."

"I love you."

"You are the sweetest boy in the world."

These are the things I say to our little man a million times a day.

He loves Row, Row, Row Your Boat and sings Row, Row, Row and moves his arms like he's rowing a boat.

He dances when he's eating something delicious like his Uncle Joe used to do when he was a kid.

He loves older kids. They just breathe and he laughs with admiration.

He's not saying much, but he understands everything.

He loves blueberries.

This week, he has been home from daycare and a total mommy suck and I love it and I'm obsessed with him and I already miss him like crazy thinking that he'll be back to "school" on Monday. I seriously cannot get enough of his presence and of loving and caring for him. I've been soaking in is beautiful hugs and sweet kisses and the sound of his feet on the dirty floors running circles around the house. Today, when all went quiet, he had goneoff on his own to sit on his little stool at the end table with a box of raisins, watching TV, looking so small in the big room. I peeked in and just watched him.

Sometimes when I'm not around my boys, this strong urgency of needing to be with them right at that very moment comes over me and I almost ache for them. Other times when we're together I want them to get lost, of course.

22.3.13

February... Eat it.

It's been a long weekend. Not in the sense that Monday (Family Day) was a holiday, but in that our little babes is sick. He's sick a lot. He's in daycare. But sick has never slowed him down. This time he's so weak and tired and wants to be held and then doesn't want to be touched, needs his blankie and then doesn't want to be covered up, breaks down at the drop of a dime, rolls around on the floor whining or crying, doesn't eat and arches his back as if in pain. His eye teeth are coming in and I thought, this is it... What other mamas cry about... Teething. All the other teeth just popped with no mad warning like this.

But, as it turns out we went to the doctor again today to nip this thing in the bud and he may have Bronchitis and is back on inhalers and Penicillin. Our poor little man.

I've pretty much dropped off the planet, but I'm still here... Waiting out this miserable month, looking forward to the next that brings us closer to spring and the sunshine that my mood depends on.

In better news, we're taking a road trip to Florida to see my dad and Carol. These two have been, some days, heart achingly missing in my life over the winter.
We will be reliving the road trips of my childhood - The memories of driving under highway lights through the night, staying awake with my dad, southern accents when we stop for breakfast, the gradual warmth as we get nearer and nearer... All memories and more to create with my own family and I can't wait. Nice to have something to look forward to this time of year.

Fuck February. Seriously.
19.2.13