Panic

I've figured out 'Whatever it is...'.

The cause of my week's shutdown - My dear friend anxiety x 100.

I realized this Sunday when I experienced my first ever panic attack that, although I'd been playing it cool, it's apparent I wasn't so about the change to come. It had been a rough week kick started by Ryker's choking and in the following days crept the reality of going back to work and Ryker starting daycare - Both tomorrow.

I laid down for a rest because I haven't been sleeping well and then couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't tell if my heart was racing or if it had slowed and then I felt pain each time I exhaled. I couldn't be having a heart attack, a stroke? At age 29? Should I go to emergency or am I being dramatic? The more I thought and focused on what was going on, the worse it got.

Breathe. Just breathe. Relax. Breathe. I know this. But not this time. This time is had taken over my entire body and it was so strong. I couldn't break it.

Too scared to get up and tell my husband what was going on, I guess because I wasn't really sure and I was seriously terrified. My body was numb and I felt light and dizzy and my breath didn't return naturally for hours and hours.

It may be something physically unbalanced that has caused my anxiety to step it up a good few notches or my life unbalanced at this moment that has escalated it to this extreme.

By this time tomorrow after my first editorial meeting and picking Ryker up from daycare, I know I'll be back to "normal" again, and my next post will be about how excited I really am for the change. Haven't I been all along?

Breathe.
3.9.12