Consumes me

Part 1 - Today

It was a bad day.

Let me start at the beginning.

I had been hopeful, but a hint that the stigma of me lingers and things haven't changed where I've returned brewed anxiety first thing this morning and I drank it up.

When someone says, "Don't look now, but..." what do you do? You look.

When someone says, "Distract yourself from it," it's impossible to think about anything else other than how anxiety consumes my mind and body... And so, all day, it consumes me. The awareness of it, feeds it... and so it grows.

When something is broken, I want to fix it. When I had my first panic attack just over a week ago (I've had a couple more since, but figured out the trigger and am working on learning how to cope), I booked a doctors appointment right away to get my levels checked. I felt hopeless when I left the doctor's office with a prescription to get some exercise, and the therapist two days later counselled me to go on a date with my husband. Thank you so much. I'm glad that's all it was. (That would be sarcasm).

I wonder, is it not real enough if it hasn't beat me down so hard I'm clawing at someone for help? It makes me sad to think of the level of fear and loneliness others who are worse off than me must feel. Just because I stand tall and talk strong, doesn't mean that sometimes I'm not hanging on for dear life, feeling about to collapse at any given second.

I was told yesterday that it's good I'm so open about it. Well, ya. I'm desperately reaching out, can't you see? I was to find the fix, the cure, the ultimate strategy. I'm not ashamed of it and I can't go on like this.

Because I am more aware of it, I can see it in others. You know that "coincidence" when people come into your life at the right time? Well, because I'm open about it I politely called a stranger out on it and she confessed her mental health sin and has given me some great pointers. The local health store owner, while purchasing supplements I hope will help, gave me a book from her personal library that has helped someone close to her through the same thing. I got an invitation to have homoeopathy take a stab at it and I have more support and understanding from my family - my backbone... All in the last few days.

When it rises, I want to have the strength and knowledge to be able to bury it.

The quick fix. Alcohol. Works great. Another, that I don't know works because it's never been thrown at me, is the candy tossed from the floats at the pharmaceutical parade. My last resort.

Part 2 - Puppets

And this is what I think now...

I wonder, what satisfaction a woman old enough to be my mother gets making someone the same age as her own child cry? I wonder how someone can dedicate their days feeling high and mighty by working to ruin someone, but crouch low when called out on it.

I have a real-living bully. Well, there are a few - There is the master puppeteer who pulls the strings and then there are her marionettes. I thought she had run out of stones to throw, but she's filled her pockets with more.

The thing is, she means shit to me, but the bully beating me from the inside, out gives her power. It's a personal attack and it hurts and because I have no back up, she's going to win and take what I love to do where I love doing it.

I went for a walk (Thanks Doc) and was able to turn the situation around in my mind and thought, one day I will share the story of how I, too, was harassed and look where that got them (I'm playing nice, but relying on karma to kick in any day now) and where I am now. If it wasn't for that awful experience, I wouldn't have moved on to better things.

This is what I think right now...

I'm pissed off that I've spent the last half of my evening writing about her, when I should be with my husband on the couch in front the TV vegging out.

This is what I think most days...

What I really wanna do is drink myself into an oblivion every night.

11.9.12