Candy

Have you ever felt like you were floating and drowning at the same time? Like you're dying?

It's been a dark month. Terrifying, really. And I'm going to keep this short, as a wrap up, in hopes that I don't have to write about how I've been feeling lately because I'm not going to feel so hopeless anymore.

The post is titled 'Candy' because I'm eating it. You know, my last resort and I don't feel about it as I thought I would. I feel hopeful. It's all I can do to dig myself up and out of the extreme anxiety that has built a wall too high for me to climb over on my own.

I'll say it again, because I've only realized just how true it is. "It's not what happens in life, it's how we react to it, and my reaction is unwillingly unrealistic. It's confusing to feel so ... so... ?  when you know you have an amazing life. It's relieving to know it's not the few assholes in my life or the little things that go wrong that have a hold on my me. It's my inability to brush it off and keep on going and I can change that and live by my own terms.

I was thrown into a panic attack on Thursday afternoon with an after shock that rumbled through the night and panic peaked again on Friday. It starts with my eyes going out of focus and then feeling the need to lay down because I'm so instantly exhausted. This is when I breathe, try talking myself out of it and distracting my mind, call a crisis centre that tells me to go for a walk. There is no grounding myself and holding my head above the water. The more I could feel I couldn't pull out, the more intense it got. So, I did what any nearly 30-year-old would do. I called mom and dad who raced to my rescue, being there for Ryker when he woke from his nap and taking me to the doctor.

So the end of the week was a nightmare, that lead to a great weekend with my boys.
I can breathe, I feel more calm, present and that my priorities are in check.
23.9.12

Laugh more. 

At yourself, at others and at the situations you find yourself in.