Prune-induced
diaper explosions, tired whines and nursery rhymes, mouthful-of-sweet potato sneezes and warm beach day breezes. Oh, right, and that horrid beast repeatedly snorting, "Write, Write, Write, Write..." through stale smoke clouds billowing from his deep black nostrils in this reoccurring nightmare.
This initial entry is a reflection of the blurred line between career and motherhood, as I work to find balance on the scale that weighed drastically on career and then shifted in the same extreme the moment our son came into this world.
The beast meeting me in my sleep had no form of entry this sleepless night. While in the company of a different
monster: The Teething Infant, I overcame the resistance to stare at this discouraging blank white page and surpassed the panic to go ahead and fill it with words. Here goes...
I’m
exactly two months away from the end of my maternity leave as the Editor and Reporter of a small-town news publication and I wonder, Is it normal for
“baby brain” to extend its lifespan eight months post birth with no intention
of evicting its scattered self from my head anytime in the near future?
For me, personally, to say I will stay home to be a full-time mother and wife is a cop out. I knew I would need to be fulfilled career wise. I just didn’t realize I would be terrified to jump back into the ring. Returning to the professional world of writing; which feels I’ve been on vacation from for decades, is coming at me about as lightly as a massive blow to the head.
To find it in myself to write outside the lines of newsprint as well is not far from the same fear I carry of returning to work. Babies drain you of your creativity, so I’ve heard and am starting to strongly believe.
The best writing always came at the inopportune time of approximately 3 a.m. in
moments when life wasn’t going as “planned”. I could swiftly dig into the dark
side of my right brain and put into print the words that rose from life’s
shattered expectations, sadness, struggles and disappointment.
So, when you’re blessed with perfection and feelings of pure love,
happiness and graciousness, what the hell do you write about?
Today, it is learning that the first step is learning how to balance on the tightrope of family and career. And then realizing that creativity is something that no longer comes with natural ease, but that has to be exercised.
Right
here and now, I kill the blame on "baby brain" for my cooped up creativity, motivation and inspiration and I work for its return.
This
is mama’s attempt at getting her groove back.
3.7.12