Subconsciously (or consciously because maybe we're not as stealth as we think) you must know we're there, watching over you, feeling me rest my hand on your stomach still occasionally performing the reassuring "breath test".
When you stir, we freeze and if we get a chance, hide. Because if you spot us, it's playtime. We hold our breath until you put your head back down. Like you know we're there, you look up into the dark through squinted, pried-open tired eyes and see nothing. Daddy and I hold in our laughter, giddy like little kids playing hide-and-seek and when you rest your head again we kiss you goodnight.
Last night when we came in around 10:30, you stirred a few times, bobbing your head up and then tucking into a new position. Last night you kept stirring and we panicked. Without being able to escape before you would know we were there, daddy dropped to the floor peaking up through the rails of your crib and I slipped to the side, frozen out of view. You popped right up to sitting and looked directly at both of us, your enormous grin spread across your face. Busted. Almost like you were playing along with us the whole time.
We all laughed. And daddy scooped you up and brought you to bed with us. Sometimes we can't resist the urge to do that, because you've already been in bed for hours by the time we go and we miss you.
Of course, you had no interest in going back to sleep, trying to crawl all over daddy, doing this new almost scream/squeal to kick off a bit of gab and working on your latest - Climbing the headboard to hang off of the curtains.
It was fun while it lasted, but we had to get you back into your bed and after a few short minutes, you went back to sleep.
•••
This reminds me of a night when you were less than two months old, because you were sleeping in your bassinet in our bedroom, and you were having trouble falling asleep. Daddy thought he would rig up this bright star that lights up and plays music into the top of your bassinet. The room was dark and he switched it on. In seconds we both burst out laughing. Your warm and cozy little bed lit up like a Friday night rave! I'll never forget that. A good laugh to ease the tension between tired parents.
•••
I always get so sad to think you will grow up, but with every stage you are equally fascinating and lovable. I used to stare at you sleeping as a newborn in your bassinet or in your swing under the window in the afternoons, which although only 9 months ago seems like forever. You were so still, breathing gently, content, home. I wanted to hang on to that forever. Now, the feeling is the same, just different. When I go into your room to check on you and watch you sleep you are always in a completely different place and position than I left you - Awake and standing up hanging onto the crib rails or folded in the corner cuddled with your blankie or, the best, face down with your knees tucked under you and that big cushy diaper holding that cute little bum stuck up in the air.
6.7.12