The moment I dubbed you my Angel

Come on buddy. Ok, let's go. Today, bud. Hurry up. Come on, we have to go.

That sounds so awful and it's not something I'm oblivious to doing on what seems to be an everyday basis. I cringe when these words come out my mouth mostly because I can't handle waiting a second for him to explore the snow before getting into the car or dropping his cereal bowl into the sink when's he finished, but also because I feel my cruel impatience rushing us along and through his childhood days. 

I don't know what the constant urgency in me is. As if my head is already so far out the door and onto the next move long before we've even wrapped up that exact moment.

One morning back in September I was feeling in some self-created, stressed-out rush to get going, as if I have to be to the office at a specific time or the boss will fire me. It must have been one of those mornings that every parent of a preschooler experiences, fighting over which shirt he will wear because he's upset his Batman shirt is in the wash and today he doesn't like buttons. My patience was tried and worn thin, but really what doesn't try it and win on an ongoing basis?

Ryker was whining for me to carry him out of the house and I told him, "You have two legs. Let's go.", and then nudged him ahead. He put his arms out again and, irritated, I threw him up into mine in a mad race to nowhere and amidst the static I caught his eyes holding mine too compassionately for such young eyes, and it was as if time had stopped. We just stood there in the front hall and he said to me wisely and sincerely, "'Tuz I love you."

That was the exact moment I dubbed him my Angel. Thanks for choosing me, bud.

November 21, 2014

Spaghetti Squash

That's the size of our baby in utero this week, and I only know this because I just checked my BabyCentre App in search of a good lead for this post. 

The difference between my first pregnancy and the second is night and day. Even for Bry who recently said he feels like our baby is being neglected... That we just continue on with the motions of our everyday and he doesn't feel weighed down by the anxiety he felt when we awaited our first.

My world revolved around my pregnancy when we were expecting Ryker. I was nose-deep inside The Pregnancy Bible and the infamous What to Expect When You're Expecting at least once a day, my every thought consumed by what our future would look like and fascinated by the weekly progress our wee one was making in there; such as the week he formed pads on his fingertips and toes or developed all of his senses so that I could start reading to him. I was so busy following all of the mother-to-be dos and don'ts like learning the proper sleeping position, lathering my belly in BioOil and avoiding feta cheese and spent my evenings relieving my restless legs by running on the spot while watching TV.

Today, I'm lucky to read the weekly 'My Pregnancy' paragraph that is sent to my phone. What I know is that I blew up the moment I saw the positive on the pee stick, my belly button popped a week later and I was in maternity pants at just a couple of months in. Six p.m. feels like midnight, but I hang in 'til 8 before going to bed and I pee when I sneeze or laugh or cough or fart...

I didn't know until I checked the BabyCentre App tonight that I was 22 weeks along. The weeks aren't marked on the calendar like they were with Ryker. This pregnancy is flying by as I continue on my path of exploring new ventures and enjoying family while every so often I'm tripped up and held in the moment by a baby flutter or tiny foot poke. 

It's not that we're not thrilled... It just occurred to me that maybe it's hard for both of us to grasp the thought of the ability to love another being as much as we love the one that absorbs all of our love now.

Nov. 20, 2014

Memories to keep

The longer I let the thoughts of these posts slip past, the more panic I feel that the moments will be lost and gone forgotten.

At two, I still rock and sing to him in a chair next to his crib at bed time. The only difference is that now he can ask for it. "(s)ing (s)ong"... Oh, and he's like a huge sack of potatoes awkward in my arms.

Rock-a-bye Ryker. 

In mommy's arms. 

Daddy stands near, protecting from harm. 

So close your eyes. Dream a sweet dream. 

Soon will be morning. 

More memories to keep.

Once he's in bed the last couple of nights, he's been awake with his truck and big dog that he uses as a pillow, talking about "(s)nowman". See, there is a huge, inflatable snowman in the window of our local The Bargain Shop. Everyday he asks to "(s)ee (s)nowman" so we do a drive by when we're out and about.

It's the little things.

Nov. 28, 2013