Queen Mama

I've been treated like gold in these last few weeks as we await the arrival of Baby M2 any day now. I get away with guilt-free naps, cozying into the couch with my book or taking a warm bath with the soundtrack to my relaxation playing in the background - The clink of dishes being unloaded from the dishwasher, the sound of toys being picked up off the floor and tossed in the toy baskets or the patter of big footprints chasing little ones in circles around the house.

I'm being catered to so much so that even our three-year-old has picked up on the fact that he and his daddy are holding down the fort. The other day I told him that we better clean up our mess in the basement before daddy gets home from work because daddy just cleaned it. He was so irate by his hard work going unnoticed that he actually stuttered a little bit trying to get his feelings out in the open. 

"ME and daddy cleaned the basement!" Then he raised his arm and pointed accusingly at me (while I was on the couch watching TV) and added, "YOU watch TV all day!"

Whoa. Little punk. It was one of those, "out of the mouths of babes" that left me speechless. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry so I just tucked the blanket a little higher up under my chin and turned my attention back to my show. 

Call it a swift kick in the ass... or nesting, but the next day I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor, making my way to the baseboards and up the walls throughout the house. 

That was enough of a pat on the back to satisfy me. I've been back in my jammies since verbally instructing Ryker, from the glider, on how to get his own snacks, fix his own toys and wipe his own bum.

Hey! Who knows how long this will last?

March 18, 2015

As a side note, while the guilt I've been saved from creeps in for just a minute, let me say that never in my life have I been able to just do nothing. I like to tell myself that this new pre-baby role is the Universe's way of telling me that shit is about to get crazy around here, and so I'm listening.

Push

It wasn't long ago that I was sitting in the waiting room of the dr.'s office across from a fellow mama pregnant with their fourth child. She was nearing the end of her pregnancy and I wasn't too far into mine and I said to her that she must be getting anxious for the baby to arrive. I remembered the anticipation I felt at the end of my pregnancy with Ryker. 

It took me off guard when she said she wasn't in a rush. For her, she said it was easier to have number four contained with three little ones already on the loose. With four weeks until the expected arrival of our second baby I get it, for more reasons than that one.

Ryker and I were recently at a friend's house for a play date when I realized that the four of us visiting were each moms to boys. Our oldest all the same age and the second round ranging from about nine months old to in utero. As play dates go, we were snacking and enjoying some adult time with the sounds of kids-not-sharing squabbles and big truck wheels rolling across the kitchen floor in the back ground. 

It was when the conversation took a turn in the direction of waters breaking, rushes to the hospital and an inhumane number of hours of contractions that the reality of the nearing arrival of our baby hit me like a swift punch in the face.

I had mentally fast-tracked from carrying this bundle in my belly to visions of us home and settled in, completely blocking out the in between. The all-things-physical that come with the birth of a beautiful miracle. 

It couldn't have become any more clear that I would have to push this baby out of me then when earlier this week as I was strolling down the hall past the delivery rooms in the hospital on my way to an appointment that I passed an open door with a man's voice coming from behind the closed curtain saying, "Push. Push. You have to push."

Seriously. What the F#*%! The walls started closing in on me as I quickened my pace. Somewhere along the way I had fallen for the magic bean story I told our inquisitive preschooler when he asked how the baby got in my belly and then how he will get out. 

At 36 weeks pregnant I wonder how all of a sudden we came this far so quickly. I can't wait to see his face, feel his little fingers wrapped around mine and to love and feel more loved in a way so huge I know I can't fathom now, but at the same time I'm in no rush to throw the beautiful chaos of a new baby into our world. But not being in a rush doesn't slow the speed of time.

These last weeks of post-labour and delivery anxieties are going to feel like forever, but before I know it I'll be wondering if "it's time". And in the next moment we'll be en route to the hospital and again I'll hear a voice telling me to "Push". And just like that I'll be holding him for the first time.

I'll blink and we'll be home and up through the night rocking his swaddled warmth and perfection. And, as I beautifully witnessed surrounded by those moms with their two boys, I will remember how it was all worth it. 

Feb. 26, 2015

I love you with the world

We were caught in the middle of an unfortunate anger-fueled blow out recently that became a reflection of Ryker's behaviour for about a week or so to follow. The rage he acted out was what I can only assume an expression of what he'd seen and led me to fear that he had been scarred for life. 

Fortunately, a concocted blend of communication, love, sense of security and the resiliency in kids lifted the effect of what had rattled us all and been replaced with the reflection of our everyday lives - Love and empathy.

His last toddler lash out in that week to follow involved throwing his bedroom lamp for being sent there for some quiet time, leaving bits of broken bulb across the floor. I, surprisingly calm and with a broom in my hand sweeping up the shards, told him that I was upset that he had broken his lamp and that it was so dangerous to throw things when you're angry and I didn't want him to get hurt. Since then, for the past couple of weeks, out of nowhere he'll come to me and sweetly say, "Sorry mommy. Sorry for breaking my lamp." Apologizing, I think, for the first time ever and without being asked to. I'm not sure if he gets it now or if in his manipulative toddler brilliancy he knows it melts me, but I just keep telling him that I know he's sorry and that we don't throw things when we get angry because someone could get hurt and that I love him.

He's been hugging me and mushing his cheek to mine whispering sweet love into my ear, like "You're the sweetest" or "You're the best" and this morning, "I love you with the world." I don't know what it means, but it might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

The moral of the story, I suppose, is that we can't shield our children from all of the negative real-life instances, but we can let them know that through them they can find security in our unconditional love.

Feb. 14, 2015

Breastfeeding Buddies

I left after one night in the hospital with Ryker when he was born, opting out of the optional two. In the morning, my OB said it was ok that we go home, but to know that it was going to be a hard night. I thought to myself it couldn't be much harder than sharing a room with fellow new mamas up all night with crying babies. I can take it from here, I thought confidently. I got this mom thing. 

What I got was the hardest night we've experienced as parents, to date.

It was a perfect day with friends and family popping in and chilling out, enjoying cuddles with our new sweetly sleeping miracle. A celebration that came to an abrupt end in the wee hours of the night when the joy we'd been experiencing took a wild turn. Panic set in when we'd lost all control and couldn't get Ryker to settle. He cried and cried and we paced and paced, cringing at every creak in the floor that might make him stir once we rocked him back to sleep. 

I was nursing him, he was latching, but I must not be able to give him what he needs I realized and in an insane frenzy I headed for the kitchen. I frantically started digging through drawers and cupboards for a bottle and then tearing open a container of formula and filling a pot with water and putting it on the stove (I was going to boil the formula maybe???). Bry was in the background still pacing and mumbling something about this not being what he had signed up for. We were exhausted and delirious and coming down from a great high fed off of inhuman adrenaline over the past 48 hours.

Finally Bry must have taken a breath and snapped out of the moment to take hold of the situation. He stilled the chaos long enough to communicate, "Stop. Let's phone the hospital and ask what we should do." A kind nurse told me, "Honey, you have to put that baby on your boob and keep him there all night long." Huh? What the hell was she talking about? Something about my milk having to come in? Didn't the milk come in when the baby came out? I didn't get it, but I threw him on and we went to work.

It's all a blur, but I'll never forget waking up some time later, all three of us crashed out on the couch, and jumping up about to call in a search party for my other 10 babies. Truly. It was so chaotic there couldn't have been just one.

From then on, something that I had expected to come so naturally became the source of an excruciating pain partnered with anxiety and the pressure to keep going. I would sometimes just sit and watch our newborn in fear, flinching at any indication that it might be time for a feeding. And when I wasn't doing that, I was busy between feedings trying anything that would alleviate the pain and help to heal my wounded nipples.

I had a lot of encouragement and support from my husband, including a visit with a lactation consultant but between the two of us we had no knowledge. I put it to rest after a few weeks and began to pump and bottle feed, eventually mixing breastmilk with formula as we transitioned to formula on its own and I was able to enjoy the beauty of this new being and my new place in the world.

It's because of this experience that it gives me great peace of mind in knowing the community health centre recently launched its Mom-to-Mom Breastfeeding Support Program and I'm proud to say that a few of them, the program calls Breastfeeding Buddies, are friends of mine. I love that these beautiful women are giving their time and knowledge to support new and expectant mamas and, being a little smarter the second time around, I've already reached out to them for some advice.

Maegan suggests some reading about breastfeeding ahead of baby's arrival and to always talk to a friend or someone you trust about your concerns before and after the baby arrives. "I think a mom who feels a little more comfortable with the process, and realizes that it may not be a completely perfect process tends to have an easier time with it."

During the training course these mamas took to become a mentor they learned about the importance of having naked tummy-to-tummy time when the baby is born and as much as possible in those first days to help form a bond as well as not washing the baby off so that your scent sends a message to both of you and helps to bring the milk in. They also talked a lot about "nipple to nose" - Setting the baby up this way before nursing so the baby's mouth naturally makes its way up to the nipple instead of just pushing your nipple into their mouth. 

Leah says a lot of books and professionals say that breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but that isn't true. It does hurt at first, but is so easy and convenient once you get the hang of it and feeding times became some of her favourite times of the day. It also empowered her to know that every pound her babies gained was because of her alone and all of her hard work. "Breastfeeding is meant to be an enjoyable bonding experience and if it isn't working or if you aren't enjoying it, then don't do it."

This is one of Alicia's favourite bits of parenting advice from a Scary Mommy post. "Kids don't come with a handbook, and even if they did, no one has ever parented THIS child in THIS family under THESE circumstances before so, really, what good would a handbook be anyway? This is unchartered territory. For every one of us. We're learning as we go. And sometimes we just have no freaking idea."

"Every baby is SO different as can your breastfeeding experience be." With her firstborn, breastfeeding came so naturally for both of them and she continued to breastfeed until her son was two years old. 

Breastfeeding baby number two was a completely different experience. They had such a hard time getting a good latch down and when he was just a day and half old she was in tears and phoned the Telehealth breastfeeding support line and they tried to talk her through it. It ended with a visit from her midwife that night who helped her get a latch and then she had to set her alarm to wake him and nurse through the night.

She says it was a lot because she assumed it would have been the same easy-going nursing experience she had with her firstborn. "We eventually got a good latch going and things have been uphill since then. Nine months and going strong!"

More proof that your second experience can be completely different than your first and that a little support can go a long way... Alicia has been supporting a friend with breastfeeding her second babe because she had a bad experience with her firstborn and says once her friend got the support she needed things worked out this time around.

"I think a big part of breastfeeding, actually just being a mom in general, is to just do what works for mom and baby. Both have to be comfortable with things or it's just not going to be an enjoyable experience and that's it. If something is stressful and you can't get the support you need or find it's not helping then don't do it. Find what works and go with it."


I wish I had this amazing support system when Ryker was born and feel comfort in knowing I can turn to them when the new baby arrives. Expect 3 a.m. phone calls ladies :) xo

Moms Supporting Moms

Bry and I moved to Forest nearly eight years ago. Neither of us growing up in a place much different than here. Forest was our half-way point between jobs, friends and family.

It was hard to find commonality in our new hometown when neither of us grew up here, played sports here or worked here. We weren't just around the corner from our close friends to be able to stop in for a drink or slide into mom's for dinner on a weeknight and it could sometimes feel lonely.

Having a child a few years later gave us something in common with others around us. Becoming parents opened a gate to new friendships. 

Ryker was a few months old when we ventured out to an Infant Massage session at the local early years centre. I connected with a mom there who invited me to a weekly play group she was part of and she has since become a really good friend.

Visits to the early years centre and our weekly get togethers formed a great support system for us new moms. We compared parenting notes, snacked and laughed while the babies laid next to one another chewing on toys and stealing soothers. Most importantly, we got out of the house to spend time with other women experiencing the same struggles and at the same time a new overwhelming love that comes with motherhood and I think that created a sense of sanity and security for us.

We spent a lot of that first year of our babies lives together, watching them grow from swaddled and sleeping to running around and everything in between.

We don't all see each other as often as we'd like anymore now that the babies are preschoolers. Some moms go back to work and families welcome more babies and days get hectic. When we do get together it's amongst this crazy, beautiful chaos of scattered toys, sticky fingers, racing little feet, laughing, crying, hitting and hugs.

It's not as often, but I feel we're still all connected by a bond we built as we came into this new skin. A bond built during that new, beautiful and scary state of motherhood. I'll always be grateful for that support system and these friendships.

Jan. 13, 2014

Memories made, many more to come

My mom gifted us a Memories Jar for Christmas in 2013 and we did our best to remember to fill it with notes of significance, big or small, through 2014. Capturing the moments, the fun, the laughs, the accomplishments, the beauty, the love, the milestones, the lessons and the blessings we were able to create an amazing keepsake!

         

•••

We wrapped up 2014 with a beautiful circle of family members who have never been together in the same place at the same time. Flying in from different parts of Canada and pulling up stools to our Florida poolside Tiki bar where we celebrated a birthday, wedding anniversary and New Years Eve milestone and created so many fun memories and firsts for the little man. 

He was in the pool from the minute we arrived that first night until the night before we left. He felt the white sand between his fingers and toes and pressed seashells to his ear to listen to the sound of the ocean. We saw dolphins swimming the shore and again on a boat tour just before the motion of the water put him to sleep in my lap. We didn't let a rainy day get us down and we hit the bowling lanes for some indoor fun. In the evenings he was up late into the night among the grown-up fun playing Taboo that made us laugh a million times so hard we cried.

The first memory of 2015 dropped into the Memories Jar has been 'a beautiful sunset

with family on Anna Maria Island, Florida'. 

A pretty great start to a new year that awaits the arrival of our new baby.

•••

Welcomed back by the freezing cold, through the door held wide-open to the ambition and excitement that comes with a new year, my drive is in full force as I continue to create my ideal freedom lifestyle that allows more focus on family time and chasing ventures that truly inspire me.

Here's to you and the beautiful memories and successes coming your way in 2015!

Jan. 7, 2014

Tidings of comfort and joy

My feelings around Christmas tradition have been ever changing over the years in attempting to flow with different family dynamics, and most of those changes from what we enjoyed 20 years ago have felt sad and unsettling.

This year Ryker was feeling the Christmas buzz for the first time and, as parents, it was our most exciting Christmas yet as we rekindled a child-like spirit through him.

I gave baking Christmas cookies one last chance and concluded, with relief, that I'm over pretending it's something I should enjoy and vow to replace the icing and sprinkles with traditions of magic and stillness, swapping an overwhelming sleigh-full of gifts with the strength of memories that will give my family a home. Moments, warmth, love and the glow of twinkle lights that will forever bring them a sense of comfort and joy.

Nana and Ryker in their Christmas Cracker Crowns at Oma & Totah's on Christmas Eve.

Daddy shows Ryker how to work his first remote control toy. Daddy got one too.

The love. And the joy.

Totah shows Ryker how to load his new Pez dispenser. This could've been his only gift.

Our Traditional Christmas Eve Feast prepared by Jay.

Ryker's first big boy bike! Santa knew his favourite colour was green.

December 2014

Something bigger than I am

I'm uncomfortable with the word God. When I think of the word it's followed by ideas of make believe stories, organized religion, judgement and narrow-mindedness.

I've never used the word God until recently (and very occasionally) attending a church where I feel guided by the belief that God is Love. It is slowly since becoming a word more easily rolled off my tongue, sometimes even the name I address in prayer. But often it, that something I know is listening, doesn't have a name.

Having faith in something bigger than I am takes the weight of the world and worry off of my shoulders. A weight that can sometimes get so heavy that I can't bear it on my own.

Usually when I pray, I just simply say Thank You. It feels good to acknowledge the things I need to be grateful for and it also feels comforting to ask for peace and hope and to know I'm not alone in my thoughts that can sometimes create an incredible sense of loneliness. 

It's not always the unknown, this stranger of my Universe I thank and whose presence I've felt. It can be present in forms such as my Grandma who showed me she's with me in each Angel that fell from my Christmas tree last year or Ryker seeing a picture of the meadow where we spread Grump's ashes this year and then looking up at his Nana and saying, "He can see us."

It's everywhere, that something bigger than I am. I know it's there. I just don't know it's name.

Dec. 4, 2014

Don't worry about it Mommy

Ryker was chilling out with daddy on the kitchen counter last week when I was hollering in from my computer for him to go eat his supper. After the third time I nagged him, he said calmly in that sincere tone that holds me in time, "Don't worry about it mommy." 

I paused and literally felt a bit of a release in my shoulders. 

"Pardon buddy?" I asked. I had never heard him say that before, but the kid knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Don't worry about it if my soup gets cold."

There it is. He hit me with yet another important life lesson.

He was right. Like, seriously. Relax. It's soup... Or some other ridiculously minor little thing I'm going on about.

The most simple things said hold the biggest impact. 

•••

There are so many other perfect, little things that come out of his mouth. Words that we'll never correct. Ones that carry only big impact in their cuteness.

The longest running and the best, "Nook" (Milk)

O'Tay (OK)

No piggy (No biggy)

Blanklet (Blanket)

Pack Pack (Back Pack)

Turtle Ingines (Ninja Turtles)

Dec. 17, 2014

Holiday Krispie Treats

Last year I set up bake shop in the kitchen and worked my ass off baking and decorating cookies with a beautiful plan to package them up and deliver them to the neighbours. They were awful, I was so upset and needless to say the plan fell through.

I'm getting to a point in my life where I say to myself, "I love the idea of that. I wish I was that person." And then accept that I'm not. I love sweet treats, but I don't want to bake them. I want my home furnished with good quality, unique pieces but I'm not going to sand anything down and refurbish it. I also want a big, beautiful quilt and the idea of making one sounds glorious, but it's not happening.

So in celebration of this 'keepin'-it-simple and enjoying mama', Ryker and I made Holiday Krispie Treats. A quick, fun, no stress, sweet treat and we had a lot of fun! 

Next up are our sugar cookie cookie mix in a bag - "Homemade cookies in 20 minutes!"

Dec. 11, 2014

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

I finished my Christmas shopping and wrapping today. Fa La La La La. 

For the first time in many a Christmas time, I am feeling the Christmas spirit. I love the ambience that Christmas brings into our home with the tinsel glistening on the Christmas tree, the lights entwined into the garland with red bows and pinecones, the Christmas music, holiday movies and Santa bedtime stories.

Last week, I explained the Santa side of Christmas to Ryker for the first time. The elves make the toys and pack them into Santa's sack who, with the help of his reindeer pulling his sleigh, delivers them to children around the world on Christmas Eve. He just stared off while the wheels turned inside his head as he tried to put it all together. The beauty of parenthood is reliving and rekindling the magic in these sorts of things.

I am especially excited to give. I feel like a giddy kid counting down the sleeps. I can't wait to come down the stairs with Ryker on Christmas morning and tell him that Santa was here. This is the first Christmas where he's old enough to have helped me decorate the tree, told Santa what he wanted for Christmas and it's our last Christmas as a family of three.

It's not about the presents, it's not about the shopping, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Shopping for Ryker has been so much fun! Mostly because I can't keep Bryon out of the toy aisles, scooping up reminiscents of our past that have become some of Ryker's favourite things like Hot Wheels and Ninja Turtles. I love how special he wants to make it for Ryker.

I am most excited and don't want to miss the first second Bry sees the big, silver bow on a gift he's been longing for and one he so much deserves.

Until then, we wait for the white stuff while we sit cozy in the glow of the strands of lights and gear up for a bit of baking, friendly festivities and building more beautiful family memories.

Dec. 9, 2014

Creating memories

Every year for the past three we have gone to Sloan's Christmas Village to find that perfect Christmas tree. This can be a bit of a nightmare for me being so indecisive, but we always find the perfect one! 

We created the tradition with Oma and Totah and Nana has joined in the fun the past couple of years. Once we all find "the one" and they're loaded up, we huddle around a fire in the woods and roast hot dogs and marshmallows and sip hot chocolate.

Creating memories. What are your family traditions??

Nov. 29, 2014